806: Secrets to Intimacy and Connection: 13 Pathways to Freedom With Rori Montali

Child: Welcome to my Mommy’s podcast.

Hello, and welcome to the Wellness Mama podcast. I’m Katie from wellnessmama.com, and I’m back with Rori Montali to delve into secrets to intimacy and connection, and in specific, her 13 pathways to freedom. Rori has over 20 years of experience as an intimacy expert, a business connector and a physical and emotional healer, as well as a craniosacral therapist. And her dynamic approach works on individuals, couples, and groups to foster deeper connection and personal growth. And in this episode, we go deep on the topic of intimacy and connection specifically. She talks about her own transformative journey with trauma and healing, how intimacy extends far beyond romantic relationships, and some ways to address this in all areas of life. And especially the 13 pathways of intimacy and how she learned them and how she integrates them. So some practical tips in this episode. Always fun to chat with Rori. So let’s jump in. Rori, welcome back.

Rori: Nice to have me.

Katie: Well, and for anybody who didn’t hear our first episode, I will make sure that’s linked in the show notes. Definitely check it out because we got to go deep on how to tune into the subconscious. And Rori gave some really awesome practical things you can do daily that help you learn to listen to that small voice inside of you and get wisdom for all areas of your life.

And Rori in this one, I’m really excited to go deep on the topic of intimacy and connection and even delve into how that extends beyond maybe the umbrella we sometimes think of it only related to romantic relationships, but how this of course ripples through all areas of our life. And I know you have extensive work and protocols and programs for all the work you do within this realm and that it’s a huge topic that we could speak on for days, much less just a podcast episode. But I also know from knowing you that it comes from a very personal place of passion and love and empathy because of your own experiences. So if you’re willing, can you share your own story of how you got into this work and your own kind of transformative journey that happened?

Rori: Sure. Just a little girl that had trauma at six years old. That was vibrant dancing school and the world was on her, on her side and trauma of disconnect had occurred at a very young age. And what happened was I just disconnected, I think, because of the trauma from the situation. And what happened was I kept feeling like I can go to big crowds and be with all of my high school friends. Or a nursery school. Like I was friends with everyone, but I can only be in a place where I can be where I’m in a room, but everyone’s all there. And the attention’s not one-on-one. That was too intimate for me. It felt really seen. And it felt like, I didn’t know how to communicate and to feel that relationship was actually going to go in a place where you can listen to someone, right? You can actually be quiet and like actually have empathy, have compassion. You know, and share.

The 13 pathways have been a long journey for me with me being vulnerable to the world, to telling people I’m suffering from connection and I’m suffering from the intimate part of disconnect within my body from the trauma. And I don’t know what it’s going to take, but it wasn’t the doctors, it wasn’t the medicine, it wasn’t the programs inside the broken system. It was me just speaking to this gentleman who is an anchor in New York, who is very famous. And he heard through the grapevine because I spoke up saying I’m really feeling disconnected. And I really, you know, would love to talk to the community. See what I mean? Like it wasn’t like talk to a doctor. I want my community around me. I’m not able to have intimate relationships, relationships with women, relationships with friendships, things like that.

So this gentleman had dinner with me in New York and he goes, Rori, I heard through the community that you have been really, really wanting to dive deeper into maybe a thesis on intimacy and connection. I had read 450 books. I’m going to give you the rights to the 13 pathways. And I want you to work through all of these pathways to find a place of freedom. You’re not meant because of your trauma to stay and not have freedom. And I believe in you. And he wrote an NDA. And he wrote out, I can do a program. He didn’t give me all the insight about it.

Then what I did is I took the 13 names and the first one is on the road of intimacy. That’s the first one. They don’t go in order. The next one would be like attention, loneliness, vulnerability, connection, third party of intimacy, which is not you in the relationship. It’s you in the triangle that you’re in a relationship with your daughter, your daughter’s in a relationship with you. And then the third party of intimacy is like you both are in a relationship. Okay, so it’s like you, so these are like very deep rooted stuff that I realize I’m in a relationship with myself. I’m in a relationship with my mother. But I’m going to sacrifice and doubt something in that relationship to be called a separate part of the triangle. Because that was causing me heaviness growing up with a mom that was, you know, for me was my biggest life lesson.

So these were the little things that I started working through on my own program to do exercises with my mom and for myself in order to not get triggered. And not become that little girl that will stay traumatized. So that’s some of the work that he gave me. And the story that goes with it is that I, every day, work on one of those pathways to continue the work to stay connected. In order for me to come here with Katie today, I had to do multiple things to share with the audience.

Because remember, what did I say? I work through to be intimate. We’re intimates together today. It’s just me and you in a room where I was not able to do that unless everyone was in the room and I felt like there wasn’t too much attention on me. So what I did to prepare is I said, what’s going on? First thing I did was I breathed and I asked for connection to my source and say, thank you so much for this time, I’m healed, I’m excited for this one-on-one because this is what I’ve always dreamed of having. And it’s happening. And thank you. I love you. I forgive you. I say the Hawaii prayer. And that’s where I have to say the 13 pathways is a life journey every day to better my relationships with my coworkers, my friends, my family, myself, and my pet. I even have exercises for pets. So that’s a little bit about my story and how I overcome it.

Katie: And I’m curious if there are things that like commonly come up maybe within this particular work. Like as you were just speaking, I was thinking, I would guess many women listening could resonate with the idea of maybe struggling with friendships with other women or healing from, you know, past experiences that made them cautious or reserved in those relationships or with their mother. You mentioned your mom. And I know certainly our parents seem to have a unique way of affecting us that we get to work through as adults when that relationship shifts from child to adult to adult to adult. But are there areas like that where people, where patterns typically come up, especially for women and moms that you see in your work?

Rori: Yeah, it’s the competition. It’s the, do I see? It’s mainly like what’s going on lately is like the women are going to these sports games with their kids and like they feel like they’re not mingling or maybe they are not in like the same, they want to like connect with their kids team, like other moms, but they’re feeling like they they’re in judgment that they’re different. So we come to a place where we stay and we do some of the work together for experiential practices. It’s kind of fake it till you make it.

And what these experiences are is that they go to the game and they have an actual play role of what they need to do in order to break through that limiting belief. So they’re experiential exercises. So yes, women have been having recently, I had about three, recently, recently, like that’s what’s fresh in my mind is that they were like, I’m not connecting to other women on the other team. I really want to connect. I want to be able to carpool. I really want to be able to, you know, connect with people that I spend most of my time these days, you know, going to running sports and things like that. So they, they practice and exercise because they’ll always say someone’s triggering me. And that girl is triggering me. And she’s part of the whole group. And then I go and I do these experiential experiences for that person to go break through that barrier. So they fake it till they make it to get the outcome because they desire is what they come up with. They go, I want to desire to be part of this group. I have to be there anyway. Something in me is in judgment. Something in me feels like someone out of line speaks over me. So they basically work on the relationship with those people that they don’t know that they’re working with.

Katie: And I bet that that, of course, ripples into that relationship.

Rori: I don’t think I answered it correctly. Yeah, I don’t think we answered that, like what you were really wanting. So can you ask another question in a way? Because maybe I didn’t get clear on that.

Katie: Yeah, I’m just curious if, especially for women, if there are things that are more commonly found when they start doing the intimacy work, whether it’s like, is it a relationship with themselves that they have trouble with? I know, like you, had trauma in my past and sort of dissociated and wasn’t fully in my body. It wasn’t fully present with my emotions for a really long time. And I had to relearn that whole process. Are there pieces of the self that show up often? Is it relationships with romantic partners that show up most or with kids? Or where do you see women seemingly like commonly struggling the most in this work?

Rori: Oh, okay. Not communicating. My number one thing for women, even men these days. The number one thing in my program for the 13 Pathways is the communication of what they desire, what they want, and they are afraid to express it, to hurt someone’s feelings, to not have a voice in the bedroom. And to really, I teach some tantra tricks and saying like, where these exercises that are in this program actually help the woman go into an experience that’s timed. And it’s experiential where it’s very, explains very detailed. So the woman would say, I feel disconnected. I don’t really know how to express how I want to feel intimate because he’s too much pressure where he’s not light on his fingertips or he kissed so hard. And like, I feel like I just now disconnected from kissing because it’s like, how many times could I say it a way that he can hear me.

So this intimate and connection is all experientials of how to communicate your desires in a safe environment. So this, for instance, the woman would say, honey, can you go on this app Rori has created? And I want to do this experience where I can create my desire for 10 minutes. And would you be open to playing this game? So in the 10 minutes, she would say, my desire, Fred is to take a bath and you put the bath on. And you would brush my hair in silence. Just so I can feel like your love. And then if it’s okay, you know, to dry me off. Put me on the bed. And, you know, I’ll show you the way I like the touch. So she shows him. And I would love for you to use this feather and whatever. And I would love to look in your eyes and just breathe together. Nothing more than that.

Then he would then say in the program, this is what I hear is your desire. And he would repeat everything that she said. And if not, she would say, oh, I just want to repeat back that this is all. And then she repeats it again. And then they play out the role for 10 minutes. It helps the woman and the man, it’s not just the woman, express desire. They’re in an experiential experience. That’s what I’m about. And that they’re willing to play the game. So she can be heard, she can actually feel and express in another way, and just be able to relax for 10 minutes. All about her. And then the person, A, went first, partner B, the gentleman or the female, would then go next and do the same thing that they desire. Now they can both negotiate in the program and say, no, I’d really rather do this. I thought it’s okay. And it’s just a way of expressing and speaking.

So that is called the desire of intimacy and spiritual love in the program. Because one person might not have the same experience as the other. Hard to explain these on a talk show, but okay. You have to actually experience it. Yep. Explain that one.

Katie: You did. And I think that brought up such an important point that I’m not a therapist. I don’t work with people directly, but I’ve noticed this in friends or in women. It’s I think we’re actually like beginning to learn to talk about it in our friend groups, at least that it sometimes is a struggle to communicate or to feel brave enough to use your voice or to actually ask for what you want. And often for women, especially maybe I’m sure for men, too. But there’s a lot to unpattern there, especially for those of us like you and I who had trauma at different points in childhood and didn’t have needs met. But it’s like we didn’t learn that early. And so we have to then learn that as a skill as we’re older.

And I love that, I feel like that could be applied in many areas of life would be stating a desire and then repeating it back because seems like so often it’s not disagreement so much as miscommunications that lead to the fights or the struggles or the tension in relationships. And I feel like that’s a practical tool that everyone could use. I’m thinking even with my kids, when they say something, I could learn to repeat back to them, like what I’m hearing you say is, and then asking them, is that right? So that they get to learn how to use their voice.

And so that makes me curious for the moms listening and the parents listening, are there other tools like that or any other suggestions you have on the communication side that we can help model for our kids or do with our kids from a young age so that they maybe have a shorter path and learn how to use their voices easier at an earlier age than I know for me being an adult?

Rori: Yeah, so you would go to one of the experiences that they’re dealing with right now. You would click on, let’s say, vulnerability or loneliness. Maybe they’re in their room playing their arcade, right? So you would say, okay, honey, let’s just click on this little game together on this activity, because they’re all activities on the programs. And you would say loneliness. Okay. It gives him a place to do an activity together where they’re not consciously having a dialogue like over dinner and having like to have a conversation that’s does not work a lot of times, right? But playing a game that they can express themselves is the outcome that I believe that works.

So if loneliness is one of the things that they’re dealing with, then loneliness would be the thing to have an activity to do with your child. And then you both are playing the game. You both, you know, have that experience. If it’s about surrendering, for instance, I have this kid that, you know, you know. They’re not, the surrender is like, can we play this game of surrender? And you’re not saying like that person is not surrendering to what they want, right? And you as a parent are saying, well, I’m the parent. I make the decision. So surrendering could be a really good game and activity to play. And that way you’re experiencing what surrendering is.

And then in that outcome, something happens. Something happens in the intimacy of vulnerability. They share something that they maybe wouldn’t express in communications with their mom, but then in the game. And the activity they’re expressing. And then they feel bonded, bonding with their child even more. Because here, you don’t have to communicate on the conversational pieces that you’ve always had on the way to school. Like this is your conversation. But the games and activities are designed to break those barriers. Like that’s the connection part. So the intimate intimacy is doing the activity. And then the outcome is the connection is profound. You feel so close after you do an activity with someone. It’s just communication games.

Katie: Seems like communication solves a lot of problems for sure. And where can people find, you mentioned your app. We also talked about your book in the past episode, but I know you also have a free gift for everybody listening, very specific to this intimacy and connection piece. So can you let people know where all of those are? Because I know you have a tremendous amount of resources available for this.

Rori: Yeah, so they can just do rorimontali.com. R-O-R-I-M-O-N-T-A-L-I.com. And then on the button, it says receive a gift right on the right-hand side. If you want to put that link in there, I think I sent that over to you. They just can click on that one link and go directly to the desire of intimacy. And I think that’s where it all stems from is to give you that free gift is the desire of intimacy of multiple different areas. One is with self, what’s your desire? Co-workers and friends, and then lovers. So there’s like three beautiful main video of a lesson on desire of intimacy and then you opt in and you get the three videos to practice. And that’s a great start to get a little taste of Rori and what we do.

But the main thing is if you don’t know where you are, if you’re single or struggling is on the road of intimacy. And then I can give a 15-minute discovery with someone to see if they’re, you know, where they’re at on the map and what they’re working on. And what they want to break through. So I just want to give hope to women that they can feel sensation again. They can feel being a woman and not feeling broken. And they can have sensation in their bodies and feel good. Because it happened for me. And I had no sensation and such disconnect.

And now because I speak, I know when I’m with someone, I know how to create an environment that feels safe but feels heard. And then I get to feel what we’re supposed to feel good. We’re supposed to feel good in our bodies and have pleasure. It’s really important for women to know that, that it’s possible to heal that aspect of every ounce of their body was not meant to be broken. And that is my mission is to help people feel sensation since I didn’t have anything. But I got it all back. And it’s more than I could ever ask. I think most people think, oh, I’m in menopause, even some people say to me. I go, I’m in it too. I’m feeling more than I’ve ever felt before because I tell myself that, that I did the work. So you have to do the work in a way to, to not disconnect. And when you’re lit up, Katie, and you feel like a woman and you’re sexy and you feel turned on, it’s not shameful to be turned on. I just want to let people know that it’s not taboo. It’s like feel turned on. And that’s great to do in all aspects of your life is to be sexy and hot, you hot mamas. That’s what I want to say.

Katie: That’s a perfect place, I think, to begin to wrap up for today. And I’ll, of course, make sure all those links are easy to find for you guys listening on the go. Everything’s at wellnessmama.com or, of course, we’re your website as well, which I’ll link there. But I love that we got to really delve into the world of intimacy and connection. It seems like, especially in the modern world, these are things that have become more difficult. And I love that your work comes from such a place of your personal journey, your vulnerability, and now your passion for helping others, which I know is everyone, but also especially women. And I’m really grateful for your time today and for us getting to finally have this conversation and record it. So thank you for being here.

Rori: Thank you so much. Thank you.

Katie: Thank you as always for sharing your most valuable resources, your time, your energy, and your attention with us today. We’re both so grateful that you did. And I hope that you will join me again on the next episode of the Wellness Mama podcast.

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