Today’s episode is more of a candid one for me as I’m talking with Adam Lane Smith on the topic of attachment and relationships. Adam is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in attachment theory. He realized early on from personal experience how powerful attachment theory really is for resolving anxiety and relationship issues. However, he also notes most therapists and psychology programs teach very little about this theory.
So Adam decided to help change all that! Now he trains other healthcare providers in attachment theory and coaches people on every continent except Antarctica. We go deep into what attachment really is in this context and what it means for our relationship dynamics. Not only does it play a big role in marriage, but in parent-child relationships too.
We can either be “anxious” or “avoidant” and which role you tend to be predicts how you make decisions and react in relationships. This was really eye-opening for me looking back on my past relationships, how I’ve changed over the years, and how I am in my current relationships. And when it comes to our kids, the good news is it’s not too late to help them create strong, healthy attachment styles.
This is a very impactful episode where we go deep into a lot of these topics and I’m excited to share it with you!
Episode Highlights With Adam
- His own story of attachment issues as a child and how he got into this work as an adult
- What is attachment theory and how attachment styles impact relationships
- How attachment styles can shift throughout life and in different phases of life
- Why having kids can change the attachment styles of the parents
- Anxious attachment can sometimes stem from not getting enough oxytocin in childhood and how this can lead to seeking partners who are avoidant in relationships
- Steps to shifting from anxious or avoidant attachment patterns to healthier patterns
- How parents can help create strong attachment styles in their children
- The importance of context in understanding attachment styles
- Curiosity not judgment in relationships
- How to build a self-correcting family system to benefit your kids
- Ways to help your kids communicate with you with non-judgment and curiosity
- Men adapt to problems and change for circumstances, not for relationships
- Women constantly adapt and iterate within relationships
- Why men are more stressed and depressed in today’s world and some factors that can help
- Men only change for circumstances and why this is important to understand in relationships
- Three pieces of life advice: 65% of adults have an attachment issue, attachment issues bring the most relationship issues, you can absolutely change it and you just have to understand the steps
Resources We Mention
- Adam Lane Smith – Website
- Attachment Bootcamp Video Course – Use code Katie for a discount
- Exhausted Wives, Bewildered Husbands: Why your marriage is hurting, and how to blossom as a couple by Adam Smith
- No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life by Robert A. Glover
More From Wellness Mama
- 673: Words Matter, Talking on Eggshells & Changing Relationships by Changing Our Words with Sam Horn
- 648: The Parenting Map to Consciously Create the Ultimate Parent-Child Relationship With Dr. Shefali
- 501: Terry Real on Breaking Through Shame, Anger, and Trauma & Healing Relationships
- 657: Meditations of Parenting, Love, and Raising Great Kids With Ryan Holiday