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Stop what? Well, lots of things actually: We need to stop buying unhealthy foods, feeding them too much sugar, and not giving them enough time outside to play.
The thing that I’ve noticed in an increasing amount lately that we also really need to stop doing:
Letting our Kids be Picky!
Yes, I said letting.
Yes, I mean letting because we allow them to develop this habit. I’ve been to other countries, I’ve seen kids scarf down olives or snails or even balut (yes, really).
Let’s also not forget, as our parents were so keen to remind us, that there are children in the world who would be grateful for any food at all. I certainly heard about the starving children around the world when I wasn’t happy about eating my dinner. Do our kids hear about them?
In fact, I actually remember saving my birthday money once to donate to Food for the Poor because I actually felt bad about those starving kids.
Was it Guilt?
Probably, but it encouraged me to save money for those in need and to eat my freaking brussels sprouts, so I’m grateful for it.
Parents in my parents’ generation also had a pretty set in stone menu each night at dinner. They served:
- What mom cooked
- Hunger
We were never forced to eat, but we most certainly didn’t get to choose what we were having for meals. We were *shockingly* expected to eat what was served. My parents didn’t seem to feel much sympathy for my plight of not liking certain foods.
In fact, when I saw this movie in theaters as a kid (yes, I’m that old), this line seemed somewhat familiar:
Most of the time, this included vegetables and wasn’t a food that I loved. But I ate it. And I didn’t complain. And now I’m all grown up and not a picky eater at all.
You Know What Else?
Most of us managed to make it through childhood without starving. We eventually learned to eat foods we didn’t like. We don’t even need therapy for it.
Our parents had better things to do than cajole or encourage us to eat foods we didn’t like. They certainly had better things to do than open a 24/7 restaurant devoted to our whims.
They also didn’t lose sleep over our food preferences.
Have our Kids Gotten Soft?
Let’s think about this. As kids, most of us ate vegetables. And meat, or we didn’t eat that meal. We made it to adulthood, and though I could argue it on a few points, most of us are relatively competent adults.
Yet, everywhere I go in the US, kids are coddled and catered to.
They are asked questions that I certainly never heard and you probably didn’t either.
Questions Like:
“What would you like for dinner?”
“Would you like a snack?”
“Do you want the Dora gummy bears or the Minions ones?”
They are Told Things Like:
“Oh, that’s ok if you don’t like that, we can make something else.”
or:
“You don’t have to eat your meat and vegetables before having dessert… I’ll get it for you now.”
And those aren’t even the worst examples I’ve heard.
In fact, at a recent meal at our house where there were 18+ kids, all of the parents served each of their own kids food. (The food was amazing too- steak, grilled veggies, etc.).
I told the collective group of kids that there was fruit salad after dinner for everyone who ate their veggies.
One kid got upset and started complaining because “But mommy, I want fruit salad right now.”
At which point, he was catered to and given fruit salad by his parents without having to eat other food, in front of all the other kids who did have to eat what was served to them.
Seriously?
This is a small and insignificant example but it violates two social principles that I was taught as a kid:
- When you are at someone’s house, you eat what is given and you thank them for it.
- Free food is always good food.
Somewhere along the line, we started thinking that our kids get input into what they should eat. We forgot an important point:
Parents are Responsible for the Nutrition of their Children
This is a relatively simple concept but I don’t see many parents who seem to understand it.
Think about this- a toddler (or any age child, really) is not the best judge of what should be eaten. He or she is also not the best judge about when bedtime should be or how often he or she should bathe.
That toddler is probably not even an expert at wiping his own bottom yet, but somehow we think we should give him input into his nutrition.
When studies increasingly show that the foods a child eats in the first few years of life are vitally important for lifetime health, we think we should outsource that decision to a three year old?
Are You Kidding Me?
Would we let our kids decide how often they should go to school? Or change their underwear?
What about deciding how much TV they should watch, or whether or not getting a pet tiger is a good idea?
So why are we letting kids dictate something even more important?
Yes, it Might be “Mean”
In a child’s eyes to not be given the food they want. It can also seem “mean” to give them boundaries and rules, but these things are necessary to avoid having whiny, entitled children who live in our houses until they are 40.
Will it Still be Cute Then?
Is it cute when a grown-up comes to your home for a meal and refuses to eat the meal you’ve prepared simply because they don’t like one of the ingredients?
I know a few of these adults, but I’m certainly not raising any!
Listen to this podcast episode on Umbrella Parenting and Raising Children With Strong Coping Skills with Dr. Jen Forristal.
Here We Go…
I know, I know, I hear the objections now.
What about kids with allergies? Or special needs? Or disorders that affect their ability to eat certain foods?
Of course, there are exceptions to any rule and these circumstances dictate a little more leeway, but I have yet to find any condition that completely kept a parent from feeding their child any healthy food whatsoever. If your child has a condition that makes him allergic to anything but chocolate milk and cotton candy, I apologize, but I haven’t encountered this yet.
What I have encountered are many children who think they are a special snowflake with special privileges who get served special food.
I’ve also encountered a lot of obese kids. And kids with health problems.
And it Breaks my Heart
Because kids don’t buy happy meals on their own.
They also don’t habituate themselves to crap foods on their own. We feed them bland white foods and then wonder why they only like bland white foods.
I know because I did it to my first child at a doctor’s recommendation.
And he was a freakin’ picky eater for a couple of years before I realized my kid was going to be an inconsiderate jerk when it came to food if I didn’t change something.
So I Did
I think they call that parenting.
It certainly doesn’t mean I always have the answers (or even that I usually do).
But I do know this:
It took me a few months to help transition my picky temper tantrum pitching child to an adventurous eater who loves broccoli. I know it is possible.
I also know I haven’t had a picky kid since him. You know what changed?
Me.
Tough Love
Here’s a dose of something we aren’t giving our kids (or ourselves) very much: tough love.
As parents, we owe it to our children to help them become well-adjusted, healthy members of society. One of the many small ways we can do this is by teaching them the basic idea that food is for nutrition first and enjoyment second.
That we only get one body and we should take care of it.
And that it isn’t ok to live off of granola bars and chicken nuggets. That they will survive eating brussels sprouts and meat. And *gasp* even salads and olives and beets and every other food that we think kids won’t like.
Because at the end of the day… if our kids grow up fat, picky and sick, we have only ourselves to blame.
Dear parents… let’s stop the picky epidemic. Today.
Important note: This post addresses the attitudes relating to food as much as the foods themselves. Of course, there are times and medical conditions when a varied diet may not be possible or recommended and these would require adjustment. I’m certainly not advocating that we force feed our kids or never give them any choices at all, only that we encourage an adventurous attitude toward trying new food and a kind and respectful attitude when refusing foods, especially after trying them. (For example, “no thank you, I’m not hungry” rather than whining and complaining). That is a manners issue and not a food issue at all. It is also something that every parent can work with a child on.
I wrote this post years ago about our guidelines for meal times and how we encourage our children to eat a variety of foods in case it is helpful for more specifics.
This may not relate completely to your article, “There was no tough love when I was growing up, just ‘parenting”. We grew up to be good honorable people because a 2 wonderful people raised us to be just that.
Mama always said we should clean our plates, “Remember all the starving children in China.” and once (and only once) told her to send it to them. In those days spanking was legal and she verbally and physically taught me not to EVER disrespect her again…………and I didn’t…ever.
I can’t tell you the number of nights I sat at the table until bedtime because I wouldn’t eat Lima beans or chilly for supper. Believe me, at 6 or 7, that’s the end of the world! You know what, I still won’t eat Lima beans or chilly, and my mother and I both survived my childhood.
Eventually, she said, “That’s alright, you’ll eat when your hungry enough.” She was right, breakfast was a long time coming.
We reached a happy medium though, she would make a sweet cornbread, she called Johnny-cake and we all ate that with wed. night chilly and if I only dipped a corner of the bread in the chilly sauce, she was satisfied or, she’d put a Lima bean on my plate and said, again, you’ll sit at the table until you clean your plate and you eat that bean. (Darn it, she put the dog our too! ) I was doomed!
I swallowed it with water, like a pill. But Mama was happy and when Mama was happy, everybody was happy.
I lost her last month at the age of 93 and bless her, I bet she got tired of hearing, me say: “You’re right Mama, absolutely right.”
It was parenting in the same mild format my parents took on us. No spanking although we knew it was an option mom would exercise if we didn’t obey. I went on strikes if it was chilly of any kind, I would simply refuse to eat. My father whom was raised to eat whenever he wanted, would say, if she doesn’t want to eat leave her plate aside, when she gets hungry she can come and eat. He was right as I was allowed to eat without being forced. When chilly was put in the food, I would cry and go on a hunger strike, to teach her to not put chili in the food and it worked.
Your story sounds much like the way it was in our family, no tough love, just wonderful parenting styles.
I could not agree more. Thank you for tough love!
I absolutely loved this article! Facts, common sense, and advice, all mixed with a little snarkiness. I snickered a few times, like when I read this:
“What I have encountered are many children who think they are a special snowflake with special privileges who get served special food.”
I had to check that I was actually on your site because the tone of this was much different than your other posts, but it is much welcomed. Please let out your sass more often, this was such an enjoyable read!
Thanks for your comment Mia. I struggle with balance when it comes to my writing (many earlier posts were much snarkier), so this is one that went in the other direction. Thanks for reading!
I recall being a picky eater and coming from a similar household as you mention, I recall going on hunger strikes, and my mom would worried sick I wasn’t eating. It was horrible for me as a kid to eat what I thought was not good to eat. To date I’m still a picky eater so to all mom’s with picky eaters be gentle with such children. We know what’s good and what’s not good to eat.
I remember being made to eat meat. It was almost impossible to choke down. Now I’m a vegetarian married to a compassionate carnivore. I think this blog post is a little nasty. Kids who don’t like this or that food aren’t inconsiderate jerks destined for diabetes. They may have sensory issues, or they might just not like to eat what you do, or they may have a serious aversion (as I did to meat). That does not make them ungrateful selfish slobs, any more than your health choices make you a sanctimonious snob. There are several rants tangled together in this post, and they are actually separate issues. Whether kids should have a choice in what they eat (I say yes. My daughter doesn’t like lettuce. No romaine for her, we serve tabouli) is a separate issue from allowing them to eat junk. My daughter has choices: this healthy food or that healthy food. Another issue is manners. If my daughter is offered something to eat by a host and she doesn’t want it, she says thank you, but I’m not hungry, that’s very nice of you to offer. Another issue is fostering an adventurous eater, which I have done … by offering choices. My daughter knows our deal: she will try anything, but she doesn’t have to eat it if she doesn’t like it. So she tries everything! She’s curious and excited. She loves fresh raw veggies and fermented food and rainbows of food. My mother never asked me what I wanted for dinner. When.I ask my daughter what she wants for dinner, she says broccoli soup!
The idea that you can “make” someone like something by making them eat it makes me so sad. The idea that children are obese because they weren’t forced to eat whatever someone offered them is not only sad it’s dangerous. If you want children to eat enough then they have to decide how much to eat. Using food as punishment and rewards has been shown over and over again to back fire. Especially not being able to have dessert until you eat your vegetables. I have a very selective eater, there was a point where there were less than 10 foods that he would eat. And there were times when he would go for over 2 days without eating and then eat so much when I “let”him eat something he liked that he would throw up. Following Ellen Satter’s Food Rules has helped our family so much. Raising children with a healthy attitude about food is more important to me than raising kids who eat what they’re told, just because they’re told. http://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/htf/howtofeed.php
I want to clarify- I never force my kids to eat if they truly aren’t hungry and I am opposed to that as well. I just don’t let them choose cheetos or freezer waffles over what I’ve cooked for dinner. I don’t use food as punishment or reward (but we do keep fruit and sweets to the evenings for adrenal purposes). Just wanted to make it clear that I never force feed my kids and always give kids a choice to not eat if not hungry. On top of that, we just give each child one bite of each thing I make and after he or she eats that, he or she can request more of any or all foods. This way, we encourage trying new things without requiring them to eat a whole plate of anything.
Yes! Tough love is an ingredient that is so missing these days that I believe our generation benefited from! Let’s bring it back, to the table and to other areas of our lives and our children’s lives!
I approve of message plus postings about same. As a grandmum and now a great same, I have made a study of adult Food Fussies. My own agenda with a rowdy three was that I never associated food with any kind of “punishment” but heh heh I will serve the carrots, the zucchini, the broccoli relentlessly along with stuff you like and I will insist nicely that you try two bites. I later in life discovered that the counteraction was to pass the zucchini under the table to big sis whereupon she would ask to be excused to go to the bathroom–but at least no food fussies. I suggest that in divorces and familial disruptions, plus at certain ages or sibling pecking order, Food Fussiness is a kid’s first shot at a power trip…they’re fairly powerless otherwise. But I truly believe that rules and boundaries are part of what makes kids feel secure. Permissiveness equals insecurity. Hence two bites is the rule, and since I’m the boss see “relentless”. However, since parents are supposed to be in charge, it can be negotiated around or the food fussy as power trip is liable to continue into adulthood–it is also a great attention-getting device, if you have ever seen a presumed adult harassing a poor waiter or waitress over something trivial. Another device I recommend is that once a week, we all including adults dress up slightly more than “casual” and conduct ourselves with our very best manners and interactive politeness, just to show we all know how to do it. We took our kids out to eat at reasonable budgetary intervals to reinforce the larger “socialization” process Occasionally an older lady would stop by our table and beam “my, such nice POLITE and well behaved children”. I decided wow, reinforcement, good idea, so post empty nest I do the same for other people’s kids…it may not literally ‘take a village” but volunteers always welcome. I do plead tolerance for some individual tastes where children are indeed individuals: I have known vegans who were opposed to meat from childhood; meat eaters who were carnivores early; people who loved veggies or lemon sole at first blush, etc. My daughter hated eggs from about 8 months on and I conceded maybe she knows something I don’t–couple of allergic reactions later confirmed. There’s a wide selection of nutritious stuff to offer and to make a BFD out of it may court the battle of wills or be just the negative attention somebody wanted. Above all, blessings on wellness moms, it takes more creativity and cleverness than rocket science.
THANK YOU!!! As a mother of a kid your age, yes I took her to see that movie when she was two, and we went about 6-10 times she loved it so much! She also did not get to pick what she ate! Why because my mother, and grandmother did not give them the choice either! I know our parents were not always perfect, but we did survive, and learn, grow. I think it’s sad these days that kids do not know what it means to go outside and play! To keep themselves occupied instead of it being their parents job to make sure their not bored. I think we went too far in the opposite direction! That could be why the world is full of people who expect everything to be handed to them, and catered to. There’s a thin line between parenting and codaling!
Awesome! Absolutely awesome! So much wisdom there and a joy to read.
Excellent article. I agree completely!
I live on the island of Kauai in Hawaii. I grew up with a fisherman for a dad and ate anything he brought home as a catch. Even raw fish! Shock! ….Ive been reading your blog for a long time but have never left a comment before,but this particular post really spoke to me. I’m very conscious of the amounts of sugar and junk food I feed my kids and it comes from no where else other than love. My struggle is when other people want to judge you for “depriving” your kid. The other day I had 3 of my kids with me and I wanted to meet my friend and her daughter for lunch. After agreeing to go eat somewhere I normally wouldn’t take my kids *tacobell* cough*..bec ause I didn’t want her to feel like I was so strict I couldn’t let them have a bean burrito once in a while. But,When we get there she orders her 4 year old daughter a GIANT slurpeethat she gets to tank down while she waits for her food. Okay,this friend has been my friend a long time she KNOWS I would never let my kids tank a slurpee before they eat. But she never tells her daughter no to sweets even if it’s a social courtesy to not eat a treat right in front of 3 other kids who can’t have it. So my kids are siting there just watching their friend get to tank sugar before she’s even eaten aND of couse they want some toobut know i wont let them. It makes me very sad because I know what that sugar is doing to her little body but my kids had to just sit there and watch her drink her treat in front of them, because her mom can’t tell her no.. and somehow in their minds I’m the bad mom. It really frustrated me! Long story short, soo proud of all the mama’s out there who get criticized for “depriving” their kids of sugar just because they want them to be healthy good eaters.keep it up!
I think there should be more Moms like you! You are a great Mother! I have friends that get hurt feelings because they tell there kids ‘no’ to something and they say “oh, you’re a mean mommy”. Well, remember you are not your kids’ friend! It is not your job to ‘be nice’ all the time, or work for your kids approval! We are not short order chefs either, you get what you get.
I feel pressure to cave in when my kids are around others who get to have all the junk too. Its like I’m some kind of radical by not allowing my kids to eat junk. I just laugh and say “yeah I’m such a mean Mum.”
My siblings down to as young as five would have no problem watching another kid eat junk. Nutrition and healthful eating are table discussions at our house and it goes a long ways. The seven and nine year old were visiting with an 11 year old friend. The friend was eating junk food in front of them and saying to them “I bet you want some?” The boys responded with everything that is bad about the food that the friend was eating. When they had had their say the friend said that he didn’t want to eat anymore.