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Making Peace With My Scar

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Katie Wells

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Making Peace with my scars
Wellness Mama » Blog » Motherhood » Making Peace With My Scar

Almost four years ago, one day changed my life drastically and in an instant…

The events of that day pale in comparison to the challenges of many others, but it rocked my world in multiple ways.

At that time, I was 35 weeks pregnant with our third child and planning a home birth. I’d had all the ultrasounds and everything looked great. I’d been meticulous in my diet and self care and was preparing for a home birth in every way possible, including reading over 40 books on pregnancy and birth.

I’d had a natural birth before, and in my (arrogant) mind, I was good at this whole birth thing. In my head, I pictured a serene water birth with candles lit and essential oils in the air. I barely glanced over the pages about c-sections in any pregnancy books because that part didn’t apply to be. I was a doula, a natural birth mom, I didn’t have c-sections.

That day, I had felt antsy but chalked it up to normal pregnancy nesting. We had a picnic dinner with friends and I noticed I was uncomfortable sitting on the ground, but at 35 weeks pregnant, this was to be expected.

We finally headed home late that evening and I put my little ones to bed. My husband and I talked for a little while and turned in ourselves around midnight.

Around 2 am, I heard a door open and my son was getting up to go to the bathroom. He was still newly potty trained, so he came in to my room and asked if I could help him.

As I went to sit up, I felt a warm gush and immediately though, “oh no! My water broke and it is too early!” Thinking this was what was wrong, I ran to the bathroom and realized that it was blood, not amniotic fluid that was everywhere. Our bathroom looked like a murder scene and I was still gushing.

I yelled for my husband and we called the midwife. No answer.

With no one local to call, we started putting the kids in the car and heading to the nearest hospital. I wasn’t sure what was going on at this point but I knew it wasn’t good. The bleeding had slowed a little but I was feeling light headed from the blood loss. We finally got in touch with a friend who agreed to come to the hospital and get the kids.

When we got to the hospital, my husband dropped me off at the door and parked so he could bring the kids in. They started running tests and called in an ultra sound tech who had been sleeping.

I overheard the doctor talking to the nurses and the words “placenta previa” were mentioned. I knew what this was, but hadn’t read much on it because “Those high risk categories didn’t apply to me.”

The ultrasound tech got there and as soon as he put the wand on my stomach, I could tell what the problem was immediately. There was a big healthy looking placenta… right over my cervix.

My heart sank.

I knew enough to know two things: (a) I was having this baby a lot sooner than I’d planned and (b) it wasn’t coming vaginally.

Ever heard that saying about how to make God laugh? Well, I’d told him my plans, but hadn’t considered that things might not go according to my plans.

I didn’t have anything ready for the baby to come. I didn’t have clothes down from the attic. No one was in town. And I was scared.

The next few hours as they prepped me for the inevitable c-section, my mind was racing. My main concern was that the baby was ok (the bleeding had slowed) but I was also terrified about the c-section (I wasn’t a person who had c-sections).

Being wheeled in to the operating room as my husband had to stay in the hall was one of the hardest moments of my life up to that point.

Long story short, my hubby finally got to come in as they were about to take our baby out. We didn’t know if we were having a boy or girl yet. We also didn’t have a name…. we threw out possible names and had only decided on a boy’s name when…

Two things happened simultaneously. Our baby was delivered, a boy! and the doctor said “Oh, crap” as he realized I was still bleeding internally.

Baby wasn’t breathing optimally, and I was still bleeding. My hubby left with baby as they took him for respiratory help. I got to see him for a split second before they both left. A huge team of doctors and nurses rushed in and I was given a lot of medicines at one time and everything was pretty hazy after that.

The next eight days were a blur of a painful recovery, spending time in the NICU with baby, and taking a lot of iron supplements to try to get my blood levels back up. Turns out, I was allergic to one of the medications I’d gotten and my entire body itched relentlessly, but I didn’t want to take medication to stop the itching as it would make it more difficult for my milk to come in.

I pumped like a mad woman every two hours for days until my milk came in and finally, after five days, got to hold my baby once the umbilical IV was removed. We saw so many tiny babies in the NICU, and some were struggling with much bigger problems than our little guy! We said a lot of prayers for those little ones during our time in the NICU…

Thankfully, our time with baby in the NICU was only 8 days and my recovery, though slow, was not nearly as bad as it could have been. I know that so many have had much bigger struggles with birth and recovery and especially after my experience, I have so much respect for them. Certainly, I am completely grateful that our son is now healthy and that I recovered without a problem. Though I don’t follow the thinking that “all that matters is a healthy baby,” it certainly is the most important outcome!

My scar…

Until that point, I’d always loved the feeling of being pregnant and I’d loved my pregnancy body (and even post-pregnancy body). Now, I had a scar that was a permanent reminder of a delivery that didn’t go my way.

I was surprised to find that that scar, that 6 inch reminder of my c-section, bothered me a lot more than I expected. It reduced me to tears at many times. Even years later, just seeing that scar in the mirror could put a downer on my whole day.

That scar was a reminder of my delivery (and thankfully of my now-healthy child), but I realized that it bothered me so much for another reason: it was a reminder that I am not in control. A reminder of something that didn’t go my way. A reminder of a big lesson in humility.

I thought about it objectively.

I realized that I am thankful for that c-section that saved my son’s life and my own.

I am thankful for that c-section that made me a better doula by giving me the opportunity to understand the birth experience of women who have c-sections (and later, of women who have VBACs or HBACs).

The reason that c-section and that scar bothered me is that it served as a constant reminder of the many aspects of life that I can’t control, and even more so, it reminded me of my arrogance and how hard that lesson was for me to learn.

Ouch.

Just Being Thankful…

I’ve always considered myself an optimistic person. I’ve been able to be grateful and happy for most things in my life. But, I also hadn’t had too many experiences that had really tested that optimism.

It took a long time, but I can finally say I’m thankful for that scar and for the lessons it represents.

Ironically, once I finally made peace with the scar (and it took years), it started to fade and it is now barely visible at all. It is funny how life works sometimes: things that we focus on and obsess about that seem like such a big deal  to overcome are barely visible when we learn to let go.

I also realized that as women, we often seem to focus on one part of our appearance that we really don’t like and let our attitude and self worth be dependent on this one thing when it is barely noticeable to anyone else.

For me, letting go of the pain from that scar and letting go of it being a reminder that I was not in control took learning to actually be THANKFUL not only for the scar but for a reminder that I wasn’t in control. It wasn’t an instant shift, and it took some prayer and time, but now I can honestly say that I’m glad for my reminder to let go…

A Gentler C-Section

If I ever have another cesarean, I will try to work with my doctor to have a gentle cesarean, and I’ll know to do these things to speed recovery.

Do you have scars that are a painful reminder (or a happy one!) of something in your past? Share below!

Katie Wells Avatar

About Katie Wells

Katie Wells, CTNC, MCHC, Founder of Wellness Mama and Co-founder of Wellnesse, has a background in research, journalism, and nutrition. As a mom of six, she turned to research and took health into her own hands to find answers to her health problems. WellnessMama.com is the culmination of her thousands of hours of research and all posts are medically reviewed and verified by the Wellness Mama research team. Katie is also the author of the bestselling books The Wellness Mama Cookbook and The Wellness Mama 5-Step Lifestyle Detox.

Comments

54 responses to “Making Peace With My Scar”

  1. Catie Avatar
    Catie

    Katie,

    Thank you so much for this post. I had to have an emergency c-section at 34 weeks because I had preeclampsia. I know I had divine intervention during that time because I was completely calm and collected and at peace during my 5-day hospital stay and my daughter’s 13-day hospital stay. It’s only now, almost 6 years later, that I find myself getting emotional over it.

    I had a friend who was pregnant with her first last summer and was due in September. We were discussing birth options and she was telling me about her midwife and her plans for a water birth at home, and I told her how wonderful that sounded and I wished the best for her and I hoped she didn’t have to go through what I went through. She made a comment that she thought c-sections were overused in modern medicine (and they probably are) and she didn’t realize that my c-section wasn’t just a precaution; it was life saving.

    I think not only do we need to be more open to natural birthing if it is the healthy option, but the stigma that seems to be growing around moms who need this life saving procedure needs to end as well. Not every mom has a c-section because its the convenient thing to do. In my experience with my friends and family, it has always been to preserve the health of the mom and the baby.

    Thank you again for this. I’m sorry your birth plan didn’t go just right and this post helped me make peace with my scar as well, even if it can cause me to be overemotional at times.

    Reply
  3. Nadine Avatar
    Nadine

    I am struggling with this myself right now. My first baby was a vaginal delivery in the hospital. It was 20 hours of labor, 15 hours in I decided to try the epidural, I was exhausted and needed a break. However, the epidural didn’t work, it worked for about half an hour and the contractions came back worse, they couldn’t give me another dose for a while. When they could the second dose, it didn’t work any better, but another 30 minutes later I was able to deliver a very healthy, very large 9lb 8oz baby boy without so much as a scratch. I was very pleased with myself! I made it 15 hours without any kind of pain medication and seeing as the epidural didn’t work anyway, I count that in there too, haha. Anyway, my second baby was different. Labor started early Easter day and continued on into the next, I went to the hospital two times that day and they sent me home. The third time they admitted me was late Easter day and my contractions were so bad I opted for an epidural within a few hours, it worked this time! Labor progressed beautifully and perfect, albeit a little slow. Around noon the following day, a nurse checked my progression, she said I was about 9cm and that she would come back. As soon as she left I felt ready to push and I told the nurses, all they did was put me in a different position and left. I made mention that I felt like I was pushing again and they called the doctor in. She checked me and instead of feeling the top of his head, she proclaimed, “Oh, that’s a nose!” she tried to tuck his chin in but he either refused or he was just too far in the birth canal that he couldn’t. The doctor then proceeded to tell me, “Nadine, we need to prep you for a csection, if you keep pushing there is a possibility that your baby’s head and neck will be hurt in the delivery and that’s not good.” I burst into tears! 32 hours of labor, 9cm dilated and it was gonna end in a csection! I was terrified and exhausted and I hadn’t prepared for a csection at all! I didn’t even read about it! I had one perfect vaginal delivery and I thought I was queen of the birthing room! All I knew was that a csection is bad, you should avoid it all costs, they cut you open, rip your baby out, and you are left with an ugly scar. Well, despite my hysterics they prepped me, wheeled me into the operating room while my husband informed family, made phone calls and then got ready to join me. The operating room was cold, I was terrified, my husband wasn’t there, all these people were rushing around me, talking to me, asking me questions and all I could do was lay there. My husband joined me as soon as the doctors were ready. The surgery went pretty fast from what I can remember, everything went perfectly, no further complications arose with the exception that my son had wedged himself into the birth canal so far that she couldn’t remove him head first, she had to push him back into the uterus, turn him around and deliver him feet first. This apparently made her chuckle, she told me she hasn’t had that happen before. I finally got to hear my baby cry while they had him off being cleaned and checked. They began cleaning me up and whatever else they do after a csection, I don’t know, I just felt a lot of tugging and pulling. They brought my baby over to my husband and I got to see him for the first time. His forehead was so swollen from being wedged into the birth canal face first, but he was healthy and big! 9lbs 10oz. They finished up with me and all went well after that. I went home in 3 days and recovery went well, was back up and running around 3-4 weeks. But that first month was hard, I was sore, my son wasn’t gaining weight, but he nursed like a champ, turns out he has a milk allergy and I was given a list of things that needed removed from my diet in order to nurse him and I just didn’t see it as doable. I wish I knew then what I know now. So grudgingly I gave up nursing and switched him to a special formula. He did great on it. I didn’t really think of my csection much after that. I was healing, my scar looked great, you could barely tell it was there, the doctor did such a great job. My baby was happy, healthy and growing. I didn’t have to deal with sore nipples or sleepless nights, I know breast is best, but I had made peace with it as best I could. He was happy and healthy and finally growing appropriately. My husband and I had planned to be done having children after this one. I didn’t want to have another csection since “they’re so bad”, so baby two was suppose to be the last. You know that whole, “Making God laugh” thing you mentioned? Yup, God had different plans apparently. 8 months later, I’m due with baby number 3 in August of this year and I’m facing another csection. My doctors office doesn’t offer VBACs anymore, something about decreasing the risks, my heart sank. I immediately began thinking of switching offices, but my doctor is the best in our county and I don’t want to go to another hospital. Again, the one I go to is the best in the county. I trust my doctors, but I feel torn. I never really thought about my csection until now. I hadn’t planned this pregnancy like I did my other two. Now I’m facing another csection and I’m mad about my first. I’m angry at my nurses/doctors for not checking me better, for making sure he was positioned correctly. I feel like my csection could have been avoided. I’m angry about not having a choice with this one. I’m angry and scared and not ready at all. I still don’t know much and I’m tired of reading because everything is natural birth this and home birth that. It makes me feel like I’ve failed somehow. I don’t want to have any more children after this baby, so I’ve made the decision to have my tubes tied and that scares me too. I’ve read about all the possible side effects of that and it scares me too. Plus my blood work came back this time and my thyroid hormones are elevated and I don’t know what to do about that. I don’t know who to talk to or what to think or feel. I’m just upset and overwhelmed and I guess confused. Sorry for my very long story and rant, I guess I’m learning how to make peace with my scar, soon to be scars, too. Thanks for your post, I’m glad I’m not the only one out there.

    Reply
  4. Misti Avatar
    Misti

    I hAve had hair grow on my face since I was a teen . Boyswould say I don’t c way we all Gatti shave a u dont. I wasn’t unlike or unpopular. But I was made fun of and pretend that it didn’t bother me. My bf uncle once made the comment about food gEttinger in our mustaches. I was humiliated! I decided to have laser done and they shaved my face to do it. After 3 treatments I stoped it only made it worse. I cried and prayed! I’m not very confident in my looks to begin with. I’m hoping beyond hope one day I’ll never have to pluck again. I can’t make peace with it! I’m a woman I’m ment to look like a women! N e advise?

    Reply
  6. Bea Avatar
    Bea

    I was actually hoping I’d have a caesarean, I was terrified of giving birth!! I had no licence and the hospital was over an hour away from where I lived, and I had no idea how birth actually went (I thought that when someone said they were in labour for 12 hours that they were PUSHING for twelve hours!) so I was having a caesar come hell or high water! lol.

    Reply
  7. Emily Avatar
    Emily

    thank you so much for sharing this! In one week I will have my 3rd csection and have not been looking forward to the surgery. This really helped! Thanks again!

    Reply
  8. Ashlee Avatar
    Ashlee

    Thank you for sharing this! I got pregnant as a teenager and decided to just wing it. I read maybe half of one labor and delivery book and read a few blogs. I read absolutely nothing about C-sections because I was 19 and thought that would never happen. A few days before I went into labor, my boyfriend and I were on Google and we read a story about a woman who was in labor for three days. I didn’t believe it and said that was impossible. Well, I ended up being in labor for 46 hours, followed by an emergency C-section.

    It was hectic and not the greatest memory. I wasn’t getting numb as quickly as they needed me to, so they dosed me up with all kinds of meds (one being morphine) and I was so out of it. And one of the medications made me convulse so I was strapped down, convulsing while having my stomach sliced open and organs tugged on.

    I was a little shy about my scar at first, and sometimes it would bring my day down… like you said, knowing things didn’t go my way. But I was also thankful for the C-section because my son’s heart rate was dropping quickly. Now, I own my scar proudly and I love it! I even show my son and tell him that’s where he came from.

    I do plan on having an all natural birth next time, but I will also have a plan B and C just in case.

    Reply
  9. Sarah Avatar
    Sarah

    This article was really touching. I too was a bit “arrogant” during my pregnancy and was very gung-ho about no interventions of any kind. Just me having my baby. After 30+ hours of labor and 3cm dilation, and other issues from blood pressure to my baby’s heart rhythm, I was subjected to an emergency c-section.

    Two+ years later, I still struggle with the scar and other physical, mental, and emotional ramifications that can come with emergency c-sections. Learning to cope has been challenging, but I am becoming more and more thankful for the eye-opening experience. Thank you.

    Reply
  10. Laura Noelle Avatar
    Laura Noelle

    I am only 25 years old and my body cannot deliver a child naturally. At 19 I was diagnosed with perianal Crohn’s disease and after numerous surgeries, the risks are too great. It has been one of my deepest disappointments, that when I deliver my child it will be through surgery, when all I desire is a natural, healthy birth experience. I’m still struggling with it, but trying to accept that I can only control so much, and the rest is out of my hands.

    Reply
  11. KT Avatar
    KT

    Oh and as advice to any women who has just had a c-s, try scar massage. I found a wonderful masseuse who gave me a post-birth body massage and at the end she suggested she massage my scar to help me heal. I went to her a few times and then just did it myself at home with organic coconut oil. It was brilliant and so few c-s mums know about it.

    Reply
  12. KT Avatar
    KT

    Hooray for this post! I booked into a natural midwife run birthing centre to have my son 4 years ago. There was no way I was having anything other than a drug free all natural birth. My mum and my sister had all their children this way and so obviously I would too! Well, ha ha to that. After a very long long labour the midwives realised my son was transverse. The birthing centre was on the grounds of the city’s main maternity hospital and so I was calmly taken by a midwife to their birthing suites. Thankfully they were all ready for us and I had an emergency c-s shortly after. When the surgeon had finished she came to see me and told me that not only was my son in a position that meant he would never have come out, my lower uterine segment had become stretched tissue paper thin by the long obstructed labour. That c-s saved my life and my sons. Is it what I wanted? No! But I wanted my son, and I have him, safe and sound! … oh and p.s I now have a daughter who turns 2 this week and we are the happiest of families.

    Reply
  13. Sarah Avatar
    Sarah

    I went into my pregnancy with a natural birth in mind. However after 16 hours in labour, I was rushed off for an emergency C-section. I cried and cried and kept telling them that I didn’t want one and that I would keep trying to push. But in the end I was glad that they made the decision for me. I had a 12.2 pound baby boy. No one expected this as I’m a slim 5.2 foot woman with an extremely healthy diet…. but still, we had a big boy. There was no way he was going to fit. One of the surgeons that operated on me came to check up on me the day after the birth. I’ll never forget what she told me: “If you had a baby that size before we had the ability to perform c-sections like we can today, it’s more than likely that both you and your baby wouldn’t have survived”. We are so blessed to have the options that we do today.

    Reply
  14. Joanna Avatar
    Joanna

    Thank-you for sharing your story. It was courageous to share it with the world. I planned a natural birth at a hospital, but ended up with a c-section. After months of foggy memories around the entire event, I can now say with clarity that I feel like I didn’t need to have a c-section, had my doctor given my body a chance to do what it needed to do. Its scary to even type those words, but its the truth. I am blessed to have my daughter (2.5 yrs old), and although we want more children, I am also apprehensive about a VBAC. Do you know of any resources that I can read/visit for info on a VBAC? I had a doula at my daughter’s birth, but she was so exhausted coming off of 4 births back to back that week; she admittedly wasn’t my best advocate that particular day. Any suggestions moving forward?

    Reply
  15. April Avatar
    April

    A point I maybe didn’t make clear:
    I would have gladly given up the homebirth, gladly taken a c-section, whatever it took, if only it would have given me my baby. Alas, it wasn’t God’s plan for me.

    Reply
  16. April Avatar
    April

    I cried while reading this story. It is beautiful in its own way. I have had my own recent experience with things not going according to my plans, except my baby didn’t turn out to be ok.
    I love homebirth! My first three children were born naturally and healthy, no problems. Half way through my fourth pregnancy, we found out that our baby had severe developmental abnormalities. The docs that we consulted said there was no way for the baby to survive after birth, even with interventions; and chances were I would lose him before full term.
    GOD BLESSED US!! With the severity of the situation and nothing the docs could do, we decided to continue with the homebirth and take whatever God gave us. My son was born three weeks before due, which is barely considered full term. The labor and delivery was the best I’ve had. My baby came breech, which we’d suspected, and very quickly. My midwife didn’t even make it in time, but it was all blessings from God. I will ALWAYS cherish those moments.
    God gave us a beautiful son and allowed those 2 1/2 hours of his life with us to be peaceful and sweet. Bittersweet, to say the least. That day changed my life forever and left a scar so deep. I can’t describe the pain… and yet, I can’t describe the peace God has given me.
    I am now pregnant again. We are so excited, and yet, there is a sense of uncertainty that we’ve never had to deal with before. All I can do is trust in God and remember that HE IS IN CONTROL.

    Reply
  17. Danielle Avatar
    Danielle

    I just had a c section nearly three weeks ago and the hardest part for me was putting in all this work over the course of my pregnancy to build and maintain a healthy gut flora to pass on to my child and have it all wiped away by mandatory c section antibiotics. Also c section babies and vaginally delivered babies have a significantly different bacteria makeup in their stomachs. I’ve been eating fermented foods and researching how to reverse the damaging affects but turns out it is the mothers blood that determines the quality of the breast milk. I found information on essential oils that kill bad gut flora and others that build healthy gut flora but what I really want to know is how to build a healthy stomach for my newborn. I worrry about his gastrointestinal tract, he’s excessively gassy, and I wonder if you took any steps towards this goal or have any insight you could offer. Thank you.

    Reply
  18. Kay Marie Avatar
    Kay Marie

    Though I was fairly unaware of home birthing, I had made up my mind that I DEFINITELY wanted to have as natural of a birth as possible. My mom, the poster-child for “just take the drugs, microwave the dinners, buy pre-made everything” spent months nagging me not to do it. She didn’t want to see me in “that kind of pain”- despite my constant reassurances that natural birth isn’t the screaming nightmare that popular media makes it out to be. I was HUGE, pregnant with a ten pound baby, and a week overdue when we were told that I would have to be induced. We started at nine and the doctors tried SEVERAL different induction methods. Baby was making NO effort to drop, and in fact, he was crammed so far into my ribs I thought he was going to make his own pocket up there. For the whole day, there was nothing- not even the usual Braxton hicks which I had become no stranger to in the previous months. He was fine, just not ready to come out- even after being “over”. Finally, my doctor came in and told my husband and I that my pelvis was keeping him from dropping, and that I would have to have a c-section. We did it, and thankfully, didn’t have any problems with the actual surgery. It was my first time going under the knife, and my husband, knowing this, was terrified. I was extremely heartbroken that I couldn’t even experience a natural birth, much less real contractions. The first night of breastfeeding went spectacularly well, with him at each breast for an hour. That night though, instead of bringing him to me like I made clear was my desire, so that I could continue to BF, the nurses supplemented him with formula. My son, my incredibly smart son, from that point on, made every effort to fight breastfeeding, and I feel it was because of that initial supplementation. He knew he could get fed much quicker and with less work that way. I wasn’t able to BF at all, and was exclusively pumping for around five months, until my supply dropped to nearly nothing. I’m more than happy that my son is here, that he’s healthy, and that I am as well, but I can definitely relate to how bummed you were about your plans being stomped.

    Reply
  19. Jennifer Gregory Miller Avatar
    Jennifer Gregory Miller

    Katie, I was really touched by this post…although it’s taken me forever to come and comment. It took us so long to get pregnant, and almost immediately I found out that I needed lots of medical intervention (insulin) and a c-section (complete placenta previa). And my incision wasn’t the usual horizontal low cut, but external vertical and internally high on the uterus because my placenta was frontal. And that also meant never a v-bac.

    To me it was God teaching me that the important thing was NOT for me to be in control and have the perfectly planned birth, but to have a safe pregnancy and a healthy baby and let Him be in control. I need to follow His Will and not mine.

    At times it’s been hard to see that scar. I had to lower my expectations….my main goal was to breastfeed, which was harder post early c-section, as you know.

    What’s been hardest is hearing or reading about those mothers having or planning the perfect births, and feeling judged because mine wasn’t, and I couldn’t be in control. So your post is really refreshing. Thank you.

    Reply
  20. KHRISTIN PAISLEY Avatar
    KHRISTIN PAISLEY

    My second and last baby was born at 36 weeks, my labor was so fast, 3 hours and 40 minutes, I went from 6cm to completion in 12 minutes, and only pushed for 13 minutes. My daughter had the cord around her neck, and she didn’t cry at first, I was terrified. Unfortunately that wasn’t the only thing that went wrong, for her or me. I almost bled to death because my labor was so fast, I had no pictocin left, which is what causes the uterus to contract during and after labor. The only thing that saved me was the pictocin iv and the abdominal compressions from my doc. He later told me that, gulp, I would have bked to death in a few minutes. He saved my life, 18 hours after my daughter was born she was still in NICU, they took her a few hours after she was born, the nurse specialist came and told me that she had a collapsed lung. After what I went through I shudder at what would have happened if I wasn’t at the hospital. There was no way to perdict that would happen, I was very lucky as was my daughter. She was in NICU for a week and was on oxygen for 6 weeks. I am so grateful for the doctors and nurses at the hospital, they saved 2 lives that day.

    Reply
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