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Hello, and welcome to the Wellness Mama podcast. I’m Katie from wellnessmama.com. And this episode is all about how happiness is a habit and it’s good medicine and how you can develop these happiness habits. And I’m here with Margie Bissinger, who’s an absolute joy to talk to. She’s a physical therapist, an integrative health coach, an author, and happiness trainer with over 25 years of experience helping people with this and also with osteoporosis and osteopenia to improve their bone health through her integrative approach. She hosts the Happy Bones Happy Life podcast and has hosted three summits on this topic as well. She also believes that happiness plays an integral role in not just our bone health, but all aspects of health. And she’s been teaching her patients and participants happiness habits for over 35 years. And like I said, she is a joy to talk to. I cannot wait to introduce her to you. So let’s join her now. Margie, welcome. I’m so excited to chat. Thanks for being here.
Margie: Oh, I’m so glad to be here with you. Thanks for inviting me.
Katie: I’m excited for this conversation because I have long said, my friend Molly says that sleep is a skill and I’ve long said that happiness is also a skill. It’s not like a destination we’re trying to get to. And you have so many great things that you’ve written and created around this. And I’m so excited to jump into this conversation. For background though, I would love for you to give us your definition of happiness. So we’re working from the same definition.
Margie: Right, because a lot of people have the wrong definition. They think happiness is walking around with a grin 24-7. That’s not it at all, because that would feel miserable. Happiness is an inner state of peace and well-being that’s not dependent on your circumstances. And that’s always the definition I’ve used. But then it hit me a couple of years ago that that was missing something. And what I added to that was living your life in color. Because so often people just sort of survive. But we’re not meant to survive. We’re meant to thrive. So I think also just adding that bit of living life in color helps as well.
Katie: Yeah. And like I said, I feel like often we have sort of stories in our head. I know I did for a long time and maybe still have some sneaky ones about I would be happy when or if only this, then I would be happy. And what I learned slowly and the hard way was that actually when I sort of turned that on its head, so for instance, when I started to like have peace and inner happiness and love myself more, the other things that I thought were the destination sort of like fell into line, that they were never the goal in the first place. And I didn’t need those external things as a source of happiness. That was actually something I could cultivate internally. But that, like I said, I was a slow learner, and I didn’t really know what I was doing. And I know you’ve helped so many people actually on this inner journey. So can you talk about what that process looks like and how we can actually raise sort of our inner happiness level?
Margie: You know, that’s so true, though, because that’s what everybody thinks. Everybody thinks it’s your circumstances. If only I was married to another person or if only, I had that other job, then I’d be happy. And the research shows that everybody has something called a happiness set point. It’s your base level of happiness. And that’s different for every person. There are people who are glass-half-full people, and there are glass-half-empty people.
But what’s the best part of this is that we can raise it because they found when looking at what comprises that, that only 10% is based on your circumstances. Fifty percent is genetic. But now we know also we can turn on and off genes. So we have control over that. And 40% are your habits. So there’s so many areas that we can make a difference in terms of happiness. And it’s not, it’s not your circumstances. Exactly what you said, which so many people are living life under that illusion. So, yes. So that’s the good news. That the biggest part I found is that number one, people have to make it a priority because a lot of times people just don’t think, you know, they have so many other things in life to deal with that they just don’t think this is important. But yet it’s so important. And but once you make it a priority, start doing step by step to some of these happiness habits. And that can totally change. You know, you can certainly wake up happier tomorrow than you are today. And they’ve shown that. And I’ve been seeing this. I’ve been teaching happiness for over 35 years to my patients. And it’s just incredible what I see in terms of reducing chronic pain and people enjoying life. And it’s really quite miraculous.
Katie: Yeah, I agree. I know one of my early teachers in learning that myself was the work of Viktor Frankl and especially his book, Man’s Search for Meaning. And it sort of helped me put into perspective like, oh, I think my life is hard or bad because I’m having what I felt like was a rough day when this is someone who was able to choose happiness and joy and peace in much more intense circumstances than I had ever experienced. And so it made me start paying attention to like, oh, what am I doing that is either changing my inner happiness level and what could I do better there? I think since we’re speaking mostly to moms, another thing I want to address early on is sort of that perception that choosing your own happiness can be selfish or that there’s something inherently wrong or bad about pursuing or building a habit of happiness.
Margie: You know, that’s so true because people think, oh, it’s the most selfish thing I can do working on myself. But it’s exactly the opposite. Because when you are happy, happiness is contagious, and your mood is contagious. I think everybody knows how that feels like in a house. When one person is angry or annoyed, it just there’s a ripple effect to everybody else. And they’ve shown this about being contagious. So when you do do practices to improve your happiness, it affects your whole house. It affects your children. It affects every person that you’re in contact with. So it’s actually the least selfish thing because you’re raising everybody else up. You know, by raising your happiness, everybody around you gets elevated as well. And that’s really the great part when you start seeing that, that, you know, the ripple effect to your children and the whole household. And, you know, it’s really exciting, actually.
Katie: Well, one thing I’ve talked about a little bit before is how so much changed for me when I started auditing and paying attention to and being more intentional about my own inner language and like the questions and statements I was making to myself. So as a very topical example, when I asked myself questions or said statements like, why is it so hard to lose weight? Or why do I feel so bad? Or why, whatever. I felt like my subconscious answered those questions because those were the questions I was asking. And it would say, oh, because you have six kids or because of thyroid issues or because of whatever. And when I slowly started shifting the statements and questions I was making internally, I started getting better answers, which made me realize like, oh, maybe this is actually a habit I can cultivate. And I love how you frame this and how you teach people. So can you walk us through, you mentioned happiness habits. Can you walk us through what some of those are and how we can start building them?
Margie: Yeah, well, let’s actually talk about a couple of them, because you mentioned Viktor Frankl, and I use his example as well, because he’s a true victor in life. So one of the happiness habits that I think is just so powerful, and actually the foundation, I teach this in my first class, because I think it’s so important, is being a victor in life instead of a victim. And as a physical therapist, I would have so many people coming to me, oh, poor me, my back sore, this happened, that happened, you know, so many people live in victimhood. And you can’t get anywhere in that energy, you know, the energy of, you know, of poor me, versus all you need to do is switch it around. Like, what can I do? So instead of focusing on the problem, you’re focusing on the solution. And it makes such a big difference. And sometimes you catch yourself when you’re in that, oh, poor me. Okay, yes, this might not be the best situation. But what can I do? How can I be a and turn this around? And what are steps I can take? So that’s one habit that I absolutely love and think it’s a little switch, but some people don’t realize that they’re living in victimhood. And it’s so common.
And how do you know, there’s a couple things, are you blaming, shaming, or complaining? Those are three cardinal signs that you are, you know, have this victim mentality in your view. And what I found as a physical therapist is nobody heals in that, you know, when you when you felt like that, and that poor me and my back sore, it just didn’t work where when you switch to okay, I’m going to start exercising. I’m going to get more sleep or whatever people ended up doing in their programs. So that’s one.
And then the other thing you mentioned, which is so true about your thoughts, our thoughts are so powerful in our internal dialogue. And unfortunately, 80% of the average person’s thoughts are negative. And that stems from back in the caveman days, when we had to be more concerned if a tiger, you know, a tiger’s lurking than if someone gave us a compliment. So we’re sort of wired that way. So how you change that is you start rewiring the brain to focus on the good and focus on what’s working and try to magnify all the good in your life. So even just waking up and asking yourself the question, like, what’s the best thing that could happen today? Or what good is here that I’m not seeing, you can start focusing and being the detective for the good. And then when I mean, negative thoughts are going to happen. Absolutely, absolutely. You can’t just throw them in the closet. That’s not the point at all.
And there’s many techniques. But one that I like is by Byron Katie. It’s called The Work, where you just start questioning your thoughts. You know, you get the negative thought. Okay, but then you have to ask, is it true? Number one, is it absolutely true? You know, because so many times we’re like living our life on things we think are true and we’re so upset about it, but they’re not. How do you react when you think the thought? What would you be without the thought? And then coming up with another thought. So I think by questioning the thoughts, that’s so powerful.
And then also when you get the negative thought, when you get the negative thought, you could also just counter it. One quick thing you can do is just, okay, yes. And what are three positive, true things that are also going on? So we’re trying to rewire the brain for more positivity, not to discount the negatives and deal with them, but it can make a big difference in your day-to-day because what you focus on grows. So those are two. I mean, there’s so many, I teach so many, but those are two that I think are very, very powerful and can really change your life.
Katie: I love that. And to highlight what you said too, this is a journey and a habit and a process, not a switch. And I wonder if sometimes people get discouraged because just simply being aware of it is of course the first step, but just making the decision that you’re never going to have negative thoughts again is unlikely to work because this is a thing we have to cultivate internally. The good news is, at least what I found is it’s a compounding habit. So the more that we do it, the easier it becomes. And then eventually it does kind of become the baseline. And maybe for some people it’s 80% positive thoughts instead of negative. But I always just try to set that expectation, at least for me, maybe I was a slow learner, but it didn’t happen overnight, but it happened subtly until one day I noticed that the majority of my thoughts were actually positive.
And so I would love if you have any tips for sort of like encouraging that process. Like one I know that helped me was I started keeping a gratitude journal and now I have what I call like my encyclopedia of joy. And I would write down every day as many things as I could think of that I was grateful for. Even things like a warm shower when so many people in the world don’t have access to warm running water on demand or just little things. And I noticed, like you said, what we focus on grows. I started just seeing so many things in my life that I was grateful for all the time because I was looking for them. But do you have any other tips like that for starting to make this just a daily part of our lives?
Margie: Absolutely. So number one, I think, waking up, you want to wake up to your greatness, you know, so many people go to their cell phone, they start focusing on the problems, you know, ask those questions. You know, what good is here that I can’t presently see? Or what’s the best thing that could happen today? You know, actually, I learned those questions from Reverend Michael Beckwith, and I think they’re so, so powerful. But just sort of focusing on what good could happen.
And then I’m such a big believer in celebrating your wins. So you could have a wins, you know, when some wins happen, write them down. And like you said, your journal of joy. So I’m a big believer in journaling. And even just going, yes, you know, just realizing when something good happens, and the research has shown that savoring it for 20 seconds actually helps create new neural pathways. So when something good happens, stop, stop and just savor it. Like, you know, if I said to you, Katie, this is a phenomenal podcast. And you say, oh, it’s nothing, I just do it versus oh, thank you so much. I work really hard. And, you know, just take it in. Or you see a sunset that’s so beautiful, instead of just like, oh, nice. Stop, you know, absorb it. So all the good you want to stop and take it in for at least 20 seconds.
Journaling, I think, is amazing. Celebrating your wins, writing your wins down, and even taking appreciation breaks during the day. Just stop and think, what do you appreciate? Because what we appreciate grows and appreciates itself. So that’s what you said was so very important and so true. So the more we can appreciate what we have, it ends up attracting more. And just an incredible, you know, gratitude is such a very powerful process. So anywhere you can put gratitude in your life, even if it’s the smallest thing, something happens, good, stop, thank you, you know, and realize what is good. And when you do do something, as I said, the 20 seconds, and then you can write it down, you know, write down your wins, keep a journal wins, share your wins if you’re in other groups with people. You know, it’s just such a good practice. Or in families sharing your wins, just to magnify all the good things.
And I think what you said is just so important about overwhelm. First of all, you have to be kind to yourself. We are so nice to everybody else, oftentimes, and not kind to ourselves. If you said something wrong or you did something, forgive yourself. Any little step is a step in the right direction. And when you try to do too much, it’s overwhelming. And you’ll stop in your tracks. You’ll freeze. So any little thing, it doesn’t matter how small it is. It’s a step on the road that you’re trying to go on. And you congratulate yourself, make a big deal about it. And that’s what I’ve seen works. Okay, we do the one step, we go to the next step. And it becomes a lifestyle, sustainable, and it just becomes part of you. And over time, you look back and you think, wow, I can’t get over the progress I’ve made because I did it slowly. And it was sustainable in that way.
Katie: Well, and isn’t that true for so many areas of life that it’s that the slow, sustainable habits that make the big difference. And one thing that surprised me that I noticed slowly as I started cultivating that too, was that it’s easier to find gratitude, of course, for the things that we perceive as good. But when I started finding gratitude, even in the quote-unquote hard moments, I was like, oh, wow. Like looking back, realizing the hardest moments of my life were often my best teachers and led to some beautiful things. And I only found the gratitude after, but I started to become aware of where could I find the gratitude in that moment, even when I still might perceive it as hard. And I adopted the motto for myself that I stole from my friend Tina, who she said, everything works out perfectly for me. And that doesn’t mean it works out necessarily how I want to all the time, but everything works out perfectly. And I can see that in hindsight. So how can I learn to see that in the moment as well? And I know many of the people listening. Oh, go ahead.
Margie: No, I couldn’t agree more with that because it’s so true. Your biggest challenges are often your biggest opportunities for growth. And it’s just like you said, if you can look at something, it’s one of the habits too. If you can look at something and just say, you know, if there’s, if this was for the greater good, what could it be? Or how could this be a gift? Even if it seems so horrible at the time. And, you know, many times we have to just trust that maybe we don’t see things in the moment, but then we look back and then, you know, all the dots are connected. And so, yes, but that’s such a good thing when you are going through challenges to know that, you know, if this could be for some greater good, what could possibly, you know, what could it possibly be? Or know that you may not know it right then and there, but yes, that’s happened to me. So many people, you know, the worst nightmares ended up being their biggest growth experiences. So yes, couldn’t agree more.
Katie: Yeah, or even people who are, I used to have Hashimoto’s and when I was navigating those health struggles, learning to realize my symptoms aren’t a bad thing. This is actually their gift. They’re a messenger. My body’s speaking to me directly and telling me what it needs or doesn’t need. And just learning to like approach them with a different mindset made such a difference in how I felt about recovery and healing. And it seemed like it made that process faster, probably because my mindset was in alignment with my body wanting to heal. And I know many of the people listening have been through health struggles and also many of the people listening are moms or parents. And so, I’d love to hear any insight you have on how can we help our kids develop this habit of happiness and this mindset from a young age? Because I know there’s a lot of data on the way we speak to our kids becoming sort of similar to their inner monologue or their inner dialogue with themselves. So are there ways we can curate some good habits around happiness from in our children from a very young age?
Margie: Yeah, that’s the best part. And that’s what’s so exciting because I often work with different ages. And I just, it’s so wonderful when you can start your children off with these different habits. So there’s lots of different things. I think one of my favorites is, we talked about appreciation, how important that is. And what I like to do is called the appreciation game, where you sit at the table and you just go around, you know, about what you appreciate about each person. You could even do it one-on-one, you know, in terms of going back and forth, but just to start having them focus on appreciation and telling other people about appreciation, receiving appreciation, and focusing on what’s good about another person. Because so often people go through like, you know, tearing people down and versus building them up in terms of, you know, what’s good about this person.
So I love the appreciation game. Plus it makes the kids in terms of their own self-esteem feel so good because oftentimes they don’t realize, you know, you’re living your life and you don’t realize that somebody really appreciates you for all the qualities you have, that may not be what you think they want or whatever it is. But so I love the appreciation game. I think that’s something that’s just so powerful and it’s really gotten people, you know, if you find you’re all in, it’s not one of those good days. If you just sit down or even a relationship, you know, with your significant other, if you’re feeling that and just, you stop and you go back and forth about what you appreciate about each other, it can make, it can make such a big difference. So I think that’s a really, really wonderful thing in terms of, you know, the dialogue and just, and just getting, having that as part of, as part of your life.
The, I mean, there’s many, many more, but also another thing that families can do, I think so great is when you do something like a cause that’s for greater purpose than just your life. So you’re getting involved in a charity or going to a food bank together, or when you can together do something for the greater good. That just elevates everybody. And it’s so very life-changing when kids get involved in these other activities and they realize there’s a whole other world out there and, and doing, doing good things.
And there’s so many, but the other one that I think is great is just kindness, doing acts of kindness, you know, maybe talk about, let’s see if everybody acts of kindness, everybody could do today, you know? So when you focus on these kinds of things in the family and, and what’s working, you know, celebrate everybody’s wins. If people, if they know they can come home and let’s celebrate the wins together, it just magnifies it.
So I think, I think that’s where I would start in terms of, and, and thoughts too, you know, in terms of if people are, if you’re finding, you can also play the game, you know, the blame, shame, complain game. It depends what age they are, you know, just so they realize, oh my gosh, they had no idea they’re complaining all day, you know? And then if you put like a, I don’t know, a quarter in or a penny in, whatever the money is, you know, you put it. And when you do blame, shame, and complain, and then give the money to charity. So anyway, those are just a few tips, but there’s, you know, any of those will be quite powerful.
Katie: Yeah. And it seems like a learning process in that we can maybe also fall in the trap of in learning it, like getting sort of down on ourselves if we don’t do it perfectly at first, or like having that thought inner thought loop of like, oh no, like I had negative thoughts and then feeling bad about feeling bad, sort of. Do you have any other strategies for reversing the negative? Like, I know we talked about that a little bit where it’s like learning to just be aware of them or to find the gratitude in those things. Are there any other strategies that can help on the reducing the negative self-talk?
Margie: Yeah. So I think, you know, I think the, you know, one is the, as I said before, like when you get the negative thought, okay. And then think of three positive true thoughts. The other is, I think, and there’s a couple of different ones, but I think the Byron Katie one is so good. I think, you know, where you ask the questions, you’re questioning the thought, is this really true? You know, that’s number one. As I said before, the, can it absolutely be true? You know, let’s say you’re thinking Johnny hates me. So is this really true that Johnny hates me? You know, and how do I know it’s true? You don’t, but we live on things sometimes we don’t think are true. And how do I react? I become shy. I don’t go near him. And then what would you be like without the thought? Well, I’d feel really good. I would be happy around Johnny. So then can you turn it around that, hey, you know, Johnny does like me or whatever it is, you just turn the thought around. So it loses its power. Just questioning it can lose its power. So I, I found that to be very helpful. It’s called The Work by Byron Katie.
But the other thing is in terms of sometimes the negativity of others, is, you know, affects us. Do you know what I’m saying, Katie, in terms of, you know, like maybe you’re taking care of your own positivity, but then you’re surrounded by negativity. And what do you do? Do you find that as well, that people have issues with being surrounded by others who are negative?
Katie: Yeah, and especially I feel like the more if someone’s very empathetic or like aware of the energy of other people that can feel like very big.
Margie: Yeah. So that happened to me as a physical therapist because you’re working on people. And I was working on people with chronic pain who were miserable. That’s how I learned how powerful this was. They were so unhappy. And, you know, their negativity, if I didn’t do something, their negativity would take over, quite honestly. So I learned that I had to do things to keep myself positive. And so, any of the practices that I kept myself positive, and one with it, I would just fill myself with white light, you know, fill myself with white light and positivity. And I would then, then I could actually send it out. And if you send out kind thoughts, you know, any type of lovingkindness, you know, I wish for your day to be better. I’m sending you good thoughts. It really makes a difference because it’s sort of the greater energy wins. So if you’re full of positivity, and sending it out, it really does help block their negative energy, if that’s possible.
And sometimes you just have to make barriers. You know, if you find that somebody is just so negative, and it’s affecting you, whether it’s a barrier of time, or, you know, even say to the person that, you know what, if they’re complaining, complaining, complaining, you know, like, let them do it for a couple minutes, and then say, you know what, let’s focus on solutions. And so anyway, there’s just a lot of things, you can do when you’re confronted with negativity. And if you have to, if you have to sometimes even put a wall, like visualize a wall and just so that it’s not coming into you because that’s, it’s a big problem for people, where they’re going to start working on themselves, and then they’re confronted with so much negativity in the world.
Katie: Yeah, well, and to touch on some of the things you said, I do feel like on our own level, our mindset makes a huge difference because when my mindset shifted from I’m sick to I’m healing, it became much easier to heal. But to your point, when that is coming from somewhere from someone else or from somewhere external of us, sometimes we have to be very careful about curating the energy. But I feel like the good news here for moms especially is it seems like we often set the tone for our whole household. And so I feel like as moms, especially if we do this work and we start cultivating this inner happiness, it really does profoundly ripple out into our kids and to everyone we’re around so often. And of course, with our kids, those aren’t people we can just put time boundaries around and say that they’re not going to be in our lives. But we get to sort of dramatically shift the energy through our own curation of that, which is really, really powerful.
I know you also have a tremendous amount of resources available online, especially like you actually take people through this whole process. Can you tell me where we can find those? And I’ll make sure they’re in the show notes as well.
Margie: Oh, sure. Well, I have a class that’s my favorite class that I teach. And it’s eight modules. And basically, we go through, it’s like a home for happiness. We go through the different areas. And as you said, though, you can’t beat yourself up at all. Any little move in the direction is so positive. And it’s, you know, I believe in progress, not perfection. So anything you do is great. And just, you have to be happy. The beginning starts with the foundation, you know, how the foundation of happiness, like being the victor and not the victim and different things and just the different energies. Then we go to mindset. You know, there’s other techniques as well about mindset. And we practice them. It’s in a group. And as well as you can, you know, every month we meet live. But the class, you can listen whenever you want. And you can just sort of get some other techniques in terms of mindset.
Then the third week is living from the heart. And that’s where gratitude, forgiveness, kindness, you know, all these different practices we can put into our life. Fourth week is the body. So I’m a physical therapist and a health coach. And taking care of your body goes both ways. The mind controls the body. But there are also things we can do for our body to improve our sleep, reduce our sugar, you know, so many positive things. So, you know, what can we do to our body to help happiness. And then the fifth one is my favorite, actually, Katie. It’s plugging into spirit because so often we’re so disassociated, but when we can plug in and receive universal energy and have guidance in our life, it’s so powerful. And that’s what I’ve seen. So we go over techniques for that. Then passion and purpose, how to really find passion and purpose and put that in your life. And then relationships, techniques for relationships. And the last, the eighth week, it all gets put together.
But so that’s the class, it’s called Happy Me, Happy Life. But then what I found at the end, people were like, I mean, everybody does take a quiz beforehand and everybody’s happiness level elevated. But then sometimes it started to, after a while, they weren’t keeping up with it. So once a month we meet, I added the once a month piece in live, we meet live and we go through, we have different add things to it. We go through manifesting, like our intentions for the year. And we just go through lots of different things each month. So you have a whole group, I have a whole group that keeps you accountable. And so anyway, that’s that course.
And the other thing that to get people started, I have a journal. It’s a seven-day happiness habits journal. And it goes through certain habits, and you can see what you’d like, you know, just like read them, see which ones you like. And then you can, you know, if one resonates with you, you can just put it into your life. And that comes with a seven-minute morning meditation. Because as I said, as you start your day is going to make the biggest effect. So if you can start your day in a positive note and it has music that actually elevates your frequency and just gets you going so you’re going to look for the good in the day. So anyway, yeah, those are the resources I would start with.
Katie: I love it. And I will make sure those are linked in the show notes. If you guys are listening on the go, that’s all at wellnessmama.com. This has been such a fun conversation. I’ve loved getting to delve into the mindset side and sort of our inner language. And I will make sure people can find those resources. But thank you for your time and for being here and for sharing today.
Margie: Oh, thanks so much, Katie, for having me. It’s been a pleasure.
Katie: And thanks as always for listening. And I hope that you will join me again on the next episode of the Wellness Mama Podcast.
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