Dear Parents, We Owe it To Our Kids to Stop Picky Eating

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Dear parents- we owe it to our kids to stop this
Wellness Mama » Blog » Motherhood » Dear Parents, We Owe it To Our Kids to Stop Picky Eating

Stop what? Well, lots of things actually: We need to stop buying unhealthy foods, feeding them too much sugar, and not giving them enough time outside to play.

The thing that I’ve noticed in an increasing amount lately that we also really need to stop doing:

Letting our Kids be Picky!

Yes, I said letting.

Yes, I mean letting because we allow them to develop this habit. I’ve been to other countries, I’ve seen kids scarf down olives or snails or even balut (yes, really).

Let’s also not forget, as our parents were so keen to remind us, that there are children in the world who would be grateful for any food at all. I certainly heard about the starving children around the world when I wasn’t happy about eating my dinner. Do our kids hear about them?

In fact, I actually remember saving my birthday money once to donate to Food for the Poor because I actually felt bad about those starving kids.

Was it Guilt?

Probably, but it encouraged me to save money for those in need and to eat my freaking brussels sprouts, so I’m grateful for it.

Parents in my parents’ generation also had a pretty set in stone menu each night at dinner. They served:

  1. What mom cooked
  2. Hunger

We were never forced to eat, but we most certainly didn’t get to choose what we were having for meals. We were *shockingly* expected to eat what was served. My parents didn’t seem to feel much sympathy for my plight of not liking certain foods.

In fact, when I saw this movie in theaters as a kid (yes, I’m that old), this line seemed somewhat familiar:

Most of the time, this included vegetables and wasn’t a food that I loved. But I ate it. And I didn’t complain. And now I’m all grown up and not a picky eater at all.

You Know What Else?

Most of us managed to make it through childhood without starving. We eventually learned to eat foods we didn’t like. We don’t even need therapy for it.

Our parents had better things to do than cajole or encourage us to eat foods we didn’t like. They certainly had better things to do than open a 24/7 restaurant devoted to our whims.

They also didn’t lose sleep over our food preferences.

Have our Kids Gotten Soft?

Let’s think about this. As kids, most of us ate vegetables. And meat, or we didn’t eat that meal. We made it to adulthood, and though I could argue it on a few points, most of us are relatively competent adults.

Yet, everywhere I go in the US, kids are coddled and catered to.

They are asked questions that I certainly never heard and you probably didn’t either.

Questions Like:

“What would you like for dinner?”

“Would you like a snack?”

“Do you want the Dora gummy bears or the Minions ones?”

They are Told Things Like:

“Oh, that’s ok if you don’t like that, we can make something else.”

or:

“You don’t have to eat your meat and vegetables before having dessert… I’ll get it for you now.”

And those aren’t even the worst examples I’ve heard.

In fact, at a recent meal at our house where there were 18+ kids, all of the parents served each of their own kids food. (The food was amazing too- steak, grilled veggies, etc.).

I told the collective group of kids that there was fruit salad after dinner for everyone who ate their veggies.

One kid got upset and started complaining because “But mommy, I want fruit salad right now.”

At which point, he was catered to and given fruit salad by his parents without having to eat other food, in front of all the other kids who did have to eat what was served to them.

Seriously?

This is a small and insignificant example but it violates two social principles that I was taught as a kid:

  1. When you are at someone’s house, you eat what is given and you thank them for it.
  2. Free food is always good food.

Somewhere along the line, we started thinking that our kids get input into what they should eat. We forgot an important point:

Parents are Responsible for the Nutrition of their Children

This is a relatively simple concept but I don’t see many parents who seem to understand it.

Think about this- a toddler (or any age child, really) is not the best judge of what should be eaten. He or she is also not the best judge about when bedtime should be or how often he or she should bathe.

That toddler is probably not even an expert at wiping his own bottom yet, but somehow we think we should give him input into his nutrition.

When studies increasingly show that the foods a child eats in the first few years of life are vitally important for lifetime health, we think we should outsource that decision to a three year old?

Are You Kidding Me?

Would we let our kids decide how often they should go to school? Or change their underwear?

What about deciding how much TV they should watch, or whether or not getting a pet tiger is a good idea?

So why are we letting kids dictate something even more important?

Yes, it Might be “Mean”

In a child’s eyes to not be given the food they want. It can also seem “mean” to give them boundaries and rules, but these things are necessary to avoid having whiny, entitled children who live in our houses until they are 40.

Will it Still be Cute Then?

Is it cute when a grown-up comes to your home for a meal and refuses to eat the meal you’ve prepared simply because they don’t like one of the ingredients?

I know a few of these adults, but I’m certainly not raising any!

Listen to this podcast episode on Umbrella Parenting and Raising Children With Strong Coping Skills with Dr. Jen Forristal.

Here We Go…

I know, I know, I hear the objections now.

What about kids with allergies? Or special needs? Or disorders that affect their ability to eat certain foods?

Of course, there are exceptions to any rule and these circumstances dictate a little more leeway, but I have yet to find any condition that completely kept a parent from feeding their child any healthy food whatsoever. If your child has a condition that makes him allergic to anything but chocolate milk and cotton candy, I apologize, but I haven’t encountered this yet.

What I have encountered are many children who think they are a special snowflake with special privileges who get served special food.

I’ve also encountered a lot of obese kids. And kids with health problems.

And it Breaks my Heart

Because kids don’t buy happy meals on their own.

They also don’t habituate themselves to crap foods on their own. We feed them bland white foods and then wonder why they only like bland white foods.

I know because I did it to my first child at a doctor’s recommendation.

And he was a freakin’ picky eater for a couple of years before I realized my kid was going to be an inconsiderate jerk when it came to food if I didn’t change something.

So I Did

I think they call that parenting.

It certainly doesn’t mean I always have the answers (or even that I usually do).

But I do know this:

It took me a few months to help transition my picky temper tantrum pitching child to an adventurous eater who loves broccoli. I know it is possible.

I also know I haven’t had a picky kid since him. You know what changed?

Me.

Tough Love

Here’s a dose of something we aren’t giving our kids (or ourselves) very much: tough love.

As parents, we owe it to our children to help them become well-adjusted, healthy members of society. One of the many small ways we can do this is by teaching them the basic idea that food is for nutrition first and enjoyment second.

That we only get one body and we should take care of it.

And that it isn’t ok to live off of granola bars and chicken nuggets. That they will survive eating brussels sprouts and meat. And *gasp* even salads and olives and beets and every other food that we think kids won’t like.

Because at the end of the day… if our kids grow up fat, picky and sick, we have only ourselves to blame.

Dear parents… let’s stop the picky epidemic. Today. 

Important note: This post addresses the attitudes relating to food as much as the foods themselves. Of course, there are times and medical conditions when a varied diet may not be possible or recommended and these would require adjustment. I’m certainly not advocating that we force feed our kids or never give them any choices at all, only that we encourage an adventurous attitude toward trying new food and a kind and respectful attitude when refusing foods, especially after trying them. (For example, “no thank you, I’m not hungry” rather than whining and complaining). That is a manners issue and not a food issue at all. It is also something that every parent can work with a child on.

I wrote this post years ago about our guidelines for meal times and how we encourage our children to eat a variety of foods in case it is helpful for more specifics.

Katie Wells Avatar

About Katie Wells

Katie Wells, CTNC, MCHC, Founder of Wellness Mama and Co-founder of Wellnesse, has a background in research, journalism, and nutrition. As a mom of six, she turned to research and took health into her own hands to find answers to her health problems. WellnessMama.com is the culmination of her thousands of hours of research and all posts are medically reviewed and verified by the Wellness Mama research team. Katie is also the author of the bestselling books The Wellness Mama Cookbook and The Wellness Mama 5-Step Lifestyle Detox.

Comments

245 responses to “Dear Parents, We Owe it To Our Kids to Stop Picky Eating”

  1. Estelle H Avatar
    Estelle H

    What a great article! I also made the same mistakes (and still do) by asking what do you want to eat? etc. Now my little 3 year old son is a nightmare to feed! He only wants bread porridge egg tuna cucumbers etc no cooked potato or veg. I’m going mad! This has been going on for over a year already. Reading this article I thought that to really break a child in to eating normal food, I’ll have to have him at home a few days. Like potty training but food training instead 😉 I hope in holidays to tackle this issue and just serve him cooked food every meal until he decides to eat!
    Thank you for being a lone voice of truth amongst all the rubbish out there! I’ve heard it said that common sense is not so common anymore

    1. Therese Avatar
      Therese

      When my children were young we felt it was important for them to learn how to make choices. The key for us was in offering them acceptable choices, sticking to whatever choice they made, and offering the choices as something special, that didn’t happen every day. For example, if we were having hamburger (and they wanted something else) we would let them choose the vegetables or choose whether they wanted to drink water or milk with their meal. For new foods they always had to taste one or two bites and for foods they truly disliked they had to have two bites (plus we allowed all the gagging noises they needed to make). We never asked open-ended questions like what do you want to eat; we always offered a choice that was acceptable to us. There were a few times when our children refused to eat; that plate of food was always waiting for whenever they decided they were hungry. A 3 year old could “help” with your meal planning by making the important decision of what vegetable to have with a favorite food as well as “helping” with meal preparation. Both the post and all the comments here have had great ideas as well as a healthy, adult approach to parenting.

  2. Mel Avatar

    Wow. I read this post and agreed with every word, however I expected to see a lot of negativity and backlash in the comments section. I was pleasantly surprised to see only positive feedback and agreement. Perhaps there a more parents practising good old fashioned values and common sense than I gave them credit for.

  3. Monica Avatar
    Monica

    I agree with almost everything in the post, but thought I’d share the part we do differently in our household. We eat a mostly Paleo diet, so typically, anything we put in front of our kids is nutritious. On the rare occasions we do have dessert, I serve a small portion along with the meal. If they want to eat that first? Fine, but they won’t get more dessert. The reason we do this is because by saying “eat your veggies so you can have dessert” a parent is basically saying “this veggie is admittedly not as yummy, but you’ll get a reward for eating it.” It could also lead to a child overeating just to get the dessert. In our house, desserts aren’t taboo; they’re just not as nutritious, so we won’t have them often. This way, our boys happily eat their food because they truly like it; not because there’s a reward awaiting them. We don’t want to put dessert on a pedestal. Just a thought. 🙂

    1. Tara Avatar

      Monica
      Our food rules are the same. I do not want to put a greater value on dessert. My daughter knows that she gets one a day, so she chooses when and knows that is it. When I was younger dessert was reserved for special occasions. So now I treat it as my special treat. Unfortunately I am addicted to desserts and sweets. My daughter has those same feelings with desserts, so I try to let her moderate as best as an 11 year old can. I much prefer having healthy foods available and showing her a good example, than fighting about what she can’t have. We have an awesome garden every year and I do require her to taste different things. If she can tell me what she doesn’t like about a certain food, together we can find a way to make it more enjoyable. That is the fun part!

  4. Leanne Avatar
    Leanne

    I’m totally on board and my first 2 kids I did just that. I’m struggling with my third. He had a genetic disorder that affects his pancreas so he can’t digest fats. I give him enzymes but I have no idea how he feels in his body. He wants porridge, pasta with pesto or nutritional yeast and toast or pancakes with grated zucchini or carrots and that’s about it. When I don’t give him those things he doesn’t eat and he will skip lunch and dinner and then become super lethargic. How long can I do tough love and when may he start trying new things? I don’t want a picket eater either! And I’m a holistic nutritionist to boot. Ugg!

  5. Tanya S Avatar
    Tanya S

    Love. This! The time made the article JUMP off the page and more SERIOUS just as this topic should be!!! It’s real and it’s here! Grandmas…aunties…birthday parties…potlucks…THEN young children getting choices they add the factor in that there are children too young to know WHAT they need, WHY they need it. I could almost want to print this and hang it on my wall for family and friends to see (but I don’t Lol) #bethankfulforwhatserved Well done, Katie!

  6. Nicole Avatar
    Nicole

    So, I have a 5yr old who is a picky eater. Yes, I blame myself (and my husband). My husband is a picky eater too. So when I cook, if it’s not something he will like (my husband), I know he will fix something for himself. We ended up doing that for my son….if he wouldn’t eat something, we kept trying till we found something then stuck with that. So….he eats all kinds of chicken, and just recently steak and hamburgers.
    How do i go about getting him to eat veggies and fruit…and what I fix? Do I make him try a couple bites each meal? Progressing…??

    1. Belinda Avatar
      Belinda

      Honestly,
      From my point of view unless Dad is willing to be a positive role model your chances of success here are extremely limited. The only way this can work is if everyone is on the same page and it sounds like very regularly your husband is demonstrating to your son that “no, actually you don’t have to eat what Mum cooks”.

      For your son’s sake I hope you can find a way to create an attitude change. Having your son watch Dad challenge his own picky eating could be and extremely powerful driver of change but I understand how difficult this could be to achieve.

      Kind Regards
      Belinda

  7. Kat Avatar

    Bravo!!!!!!

    Our oldest developed into a picky eater but Food Network Emeril Lagasse snapped him out of it about 12 years ago. The rules in our house are simple: Eat what is put before you with a pleasant, polite attitude. If you don’t eat it, you will see it again (and again) until you do eat it. If you are whining and complaining about it, you will be served only that food for three days straight. Even if I have to go to the store to get more of it.

    I’ve never actually had to do the second part–my children know that I say what I mean and mean what I say. And they eat everything put on their plate. Even though they aren’t “children”. They are teens. They eat not only what is on their plate, they clean of the serving dishes and clean out the fridge. Regularly.

  8. Paula Avatar

    Bravo!!! My husband and I grew up poor but our parents raised us right. We ate was given to us and we were happy there was food on the table even if it was just a hard boiled egg and a potato. We have 2 girls, 6 and 8 years old, with food allergies, but we operate the same way.We’re both professionals with stressful jobs, but make it a priority to eat meals with our girls at every opportunity, like our parents did when they worked 2 jobs. I’ve told oyr girls from a very young age, “Mama is not a short order cook. You eat what’s on the table or you eat at the next meal.” No dessert every night of the week. Food is eaten at the table only, except if you’re sick. The exception is Saturday mornings where we pretend we’re at the diner. I laminated two menus with appropriate healthy food choices and they get to give the waiter (daddy) their orders and mama the chef whips up the food. This has taught them how to order at a real restaurant and be patient while they wait for their food. No one eats before others are served and no one leaves the table till they ask to be excused and clear their place and then wash their hands. There are no electronics or TV during meals, only conversations are allowed. Our favorite at dinner is “Tell me one thing you learned today. Tell me the best part of your day. Tell me the worst part of your day.”Everyone participates and discusses and shares even the emotions. We learn alot about their day and vice versa. We acknowledge that it’s ok to have feelings, not ok to act out on some of those feelings, and give tips on how to deal with certain situations. Wherever we go, people comment on how lovely our girls behave and how respectful they are. We’ve also been told we’re too strict, but I let that slide right off my back. I’m raising them with the intent that they will be productive members of society.

  9. corrina Avatar
    corrina

    i agree wholeheartedly, but have am almost-two-year-old who will eat fruit, meat, cheese, and bread. can’t even get him to drink milk. do you have resources for helping “cure” picky eating?

  10. Michelle Avatar
    Michelle

    I love this post. My oldest (4) will eat anything and LOVES to try new food. She even requests salad. My younger (2 1/2) isn’t such a good eater. I don’t ever make him something separate, but many times he just doesn’t eat then. Any suggestions for him?

  11. Emma Avatar

    Hey! I love your articles and approach to things. I loved the ideas in this article but I was left with the nagging question… HOW?? how did you practically go about it? I have a 15 month old who goes through phases of only wanting peanut butter, butter and blueberries or fruit and other sweet things. On those days it is really hard – I have tried to put my foot down “it’s this or nothing”, but the situation spiralled every time – she ended up histerical and it changed the tone of the whole day – altering naps and general temperament ect etc… I literally couldn’t calm her down. So I caved. At least my peanut butter is homemade activated peanut butter…. And I usually get her to enjoy pretty healthy foods… But I want to be a tough mum, I just don’t know how to do it without creating a really unpleasant experience for us all. Is she too young to get it?

    1. Wellness Mama Avatar

      Unfortunately I found that for these lessons to take hold, it can be a painful process at first, especially if the child is used to eating what they want and not only what is placed in front of them. It may take a bit of sacrifice in the short term (tears, annoyance, etc.), but the long term benefits are well worth it!

      1. Mary Jewell Avatar
        Mary Jewell

        Katie,
        As I’ve read through these insightful commentaries, it occurred to me how most of us in this comment strand are so blessed to worry about this topic.
        While this may sound sarcastic, I honestly would like to know, in countries and communities where food is scarce , “Do caregivers have to coax their toddlers, preschoolers to eat what is served to them?”
        I’d love to hear the perspective on this topic as seen from your blogger’s who have worked long term with families residing in impoverished nations.

        1. LaraS Avatar

          I was in Colombia one summer on missionary work. In the home I worked in there were around 10 girls ages 4-11, all taken off the streets and with horrible pasts. We usually all ate what they were used to eating there, but once, for a special treat, I attempted to make some potato omelettes (typical from where I’m from) in the disgraceful iron pans there were in the house. They stuck, they burnt and I’ve seldom felt more ashamed. Nevertheless, the girls gulped the mess down with a thankfulness and enthusiasm that gave me a new perspective on things.

          Also, in the same place, I was dealing with a 4-year-old who was being impossible over her supper. Not being a fan of “the dance”, eventually I sent her to bed on an empty tummy. Then I got a serious talking-to from the lady who was in charge of the home; she said this bed without supper business was great in developed countries, where nothing happened to children if they skipped a meal, but food was not to be played with there. After a few days, when it took me a full hour to make a 9-year-old understand three times four is the same as four times three, I realised what nutrition (or the lack of it) can do for a child.

          To answer your question more directly, first I will state that in the home I worked in nobody goes hungry, although the home is in a region where many people do. The older girls there remembered and knew what going hungry means and behaved really well, but the youngest were sometimes a pain in the neck at meal times, either because they didn’t remember going hungry or because it was what they had on hand to kick up a fuss over. (Let’s say going hungry wasn’t the only bad thing about their past.)

  12. Edith Thurman Avatar
    Edith Thurman

    To me thats called raising you kids! My mother was a single mother, who worked two jobs most of the time, plus my older brother had life threatening asthma & was allergic to a lot of thing including dust, also a lot of foods. So yes I was expected to eat what I was given, because cooking with such limitations was already hard enough, and I was not allergic to anything! Yes we did choirs, a lot of them. Plus this was the 70’s and yes it was and in my opinion should still be legal to “spank” your kids! I’m not talking beat them, or abuse, but some kids need their butts spanked some times! My daughter is now 27 and she’s lucky if she got spanked 5 times in her entire life. (Setting a styrofoam plate on fire and watching it burn) yes anything that was a life threatening she got spanked, but she also did not do it more than once! Kids need discipline and rules, they also need to know they are not the boss! Which is what is wrong with so many of them today! I see kids in the store breaking toys, because their parents said no! Thats a spanking! I’m afraid what these kids are going to be like in 20 years! Well partly I already know. My daughter is in the Navy, and has been for 7 years, military personnel are can no longer yell at them, or yell at kids going through boot camp! You want to know why?? Because it hurts their feelings! SERIOUSLY??? These are our future warriors, and they cant be yelled at because it hurts their feelings? How are they going to react to getting shot? The military has change dramatically in the last 5 years for exactly this reason. People will go and complain, because they got in trouble! If we ever have another big war we wont have anyone in it! They’ll all have their feelings hurt and wont be able to go! This is what is wrong with so many things today! The military is just one example! Which is why i do NOT believe in coddling your children! They do become adults, or I should say they get older!

  13. Amanda Avatar
    Amanda

    I am glad someone else has said it. I get criticized for saying things like this all the time!

  14. Annie Avatar

    Any tips on when to start the “eat what is served or go hungry” policy? I have a toddler who is a decent eater, but often goes on tiny food strikes when we give him one thing he doesn’t feel like eating (even if he enjoys it on other days). I want to make sure my kids are old enough to understand the concept, but think it’s a good one to implement.

  15. Jo Oliver Avatar
    Jo Oliver

    I had 4 sons. As a toddler, #4 would eat ONLY peanut butter and jelly, every lunch and supper. As an R.N. I realize my children needed the best foods. I was concerned and asked the MD. He was not worried about it…..I am talking NO ice cream, NO candy, NO sodas, NO sweets. I thought he would get married having P&J for dinner. He had a few girlfriends and the next to last one got him to eat some veggies and meat and pasta. Now, he tries anything. He was nursed for 2yrs and will have his first in January. (GOD always Gets even for the teenage years w/ mom and dad). I had 3 teens at one time and one son, you could step on his foot and his mouth opened for food. (his son is the same, only 11 and he eats like a 19yo)
    They are into essential oils and good foods. I am happy I did not push them to eat at specific times but when they were hungry, as long as they had all 3 meals. I have 3 gourmet cooks and one lazy kid (45-35). All married one who would allow only good foods, with junk being left for rare occasions.
    BTW all 4 were taught how to use the washer, dryer, iron and vacuume by the time they were 10yo. At that age they are capable and by the time I neared having #4, I was tired of “Ma, I need this shirt right now for school”. If they didn’t wash it, the used what they had, dirty or not. They learned quickly and I have DIL who thank me.

  16. Emilee Avatar
    Emilee

    I agree with this 100%. When I was a child I ate what was on my plate regardless of what it was. I ate it because I was hungry and that was more important than whether it tasted fantastic or not. However, my fiancé has a little boy who doesn’t think the same way I did. He is 7 years old and refuses to eat anything that is good for him. His diet consists of mostly French fries and anything that we could label as ”junk food”. There have been COUNTLESS times where he has absolutely refused to eat what is in front of him. He has even went a few DAYS without eating at all. We only have him on the weekends so it’s very hard to undo the things that have been put into his head all through the week. The doctor said when he was little that he would ‘grow out of it’ and to ‘let him eat what he wants to’. Unfortunately, that was a terrible thing to say because now he is obviously vitamin deficient and not healthy at all! Does anyone have any advice for us?

    1. Pat Avatar

      Maybe give him food that would appear to be junk but is healthier than junk. Like chicken mcnuggets that are made with real chicken as oppose to McDonald’s chicken mcnuggets and present it to him as chicken mcnuggets with store bought french fries. Buy supposedly junk food and if he doesn’t eat then don’t cave in to buy him real junk food. This is the best you can do. See if he’ll eat bbq chicken wings, made with sweet bbq sauce. Present him food that appears to be junk but with an angle. Now if he doesn’t eat it, then you need a little tough love attitude to get him through to at least try the food. He’s only 7, and with time he will grow out of it if he doesn’t eat now. I know it’s hard because you were raised on real food, but for now if he doesn’t eat what you’re trying to make him eat, then at least give him what he will eat.

      1. Edith Thurman Avatar
        Edith Thurman

        That sounds like he is going to have a major problem when he gets older, health wise! His mother should be slapped! Anyone who feeds their child only junk “I think is a form of abuse” You’ll wind up with one of those kids you see in a rare trip to McDonalds that is 10 yrs old and 200lbs! Oh and BBQ sauce is NOT good for you it is mostly high fructose corn syrup! I have auto immunes diseases and have to make my own! Kids need discipline, otherwise they turn into little monsters that grow up to be self centered spoiled adults! You know the ones NO one wants to be around!

    2. Mary Jewell Avatar
      Mary Jewell

      Hi, Emilee!
      I’m a pediatric feeding therapist.
      Tips:
      1. Use “food chaining” methods to introduce 1 novel food at a time.
      2. Set up four scheduled feeds daily with no snacks nor caloric beverages ( including juice/milk) between these four scheduled meals.

      2. Focus on the social enjoyment of your meals.
      Get the fiancee’s son involved in food prep. This will enhance his sensory relationship with the foods.
      3. All caregivers will agree not beg nor barter for the child to take bites nor eat all food.
      Power struggles may inadvertently reward a child who uses food refusal for attention.
      5. Give lots of praise and meaningful positive reinforcement for attempts to try a tiny bite of new food.

      Based on some of the information that you’ve provided, it may be worth the time and $$s to enlist professional outside help. Some of the team members that could assist your fiancee’s son are Speech Language Pathologist with expertise in identifying & treating feeding disorders, family counselors or clergy for assisting with communication with the blended family, nutritionists/dietician , and of course, a pediatrician.
      Best Blessings on working through this issue!
      Mary J.

  17. Kathleen Avatar
    Kathleen

    Amen! Well, said Katie. I too lament the picky eater epidemic.

  18. Victoria Rains Avatar
    Victoria Rains

    Bravo!!;I forwarded your post to my husband. He is great with his daughter on most things, but does get lax on this

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