by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica , a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke , my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man.. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest… Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.

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Two new additions to periodic table of elements:

Element name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic weight: (don’t even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possible good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

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Monday-Eggplant Parmesan and salad

Tuesday- Skillet Steak over salad with baked sweet potato

Wednesday- Potato Cheese Soup with spinach salad

Thursday- Christmas Eve- In my husband’s Italian tradition, we eat fish on Christmas Eve- Grilled Salmon, rice pilaf, garden salad, lobster bisque, grilled asparagus

Friday- Christmas is at our house this year, so in an attempt to satisfy all family, I am cooking a strange mix of foods: Ham, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, tossed salad, Sicilian Spaghetti and meatballs, Garlic Bread. Also making Wassail, another family tradition (see recipe below). I will also make a sausage, egg, cheese and mushroom breakfast casserole for brunch.

Saturday- leftovers

Sunday- Ham Bone Soup with carrots, celery, beans, broccoli, spinach, and herbs.

How to Make Herbal Wassail

Wassail is a traditional German drink that my family has made each Christmas for as long as I can remember. This year, I found a way to incorporate herbs into the recipe for some added health benefits.

Ingredients:

• 1/2 gallon apple cider
  
• 1 quart freshly brewed tea made with Red Raspberry leaf (3 parts), Alfalfa (2 parts), Nettle (1 part), and Dandelion (1 part)
  
• 2 cups pineapple juice
• 2 cups cranberry juice
  
• 8 cinnamon sticks
  
• 3 organic oranges, cloved
  

To Make:

1. Peel oranges, section, and put 1 clove in the middle of each section.
2. Mix juices and tea in large pot. (Or reduce quantities and put in crock pot)
3. Put cinnamon sticks and oranges in the mixture.
4. Simmer in large pot for one hour and serve. Can also be kept in crock pot all day.

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1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this — ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 10-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the heck do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lites than Kay.

Have a healthy week!

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Why switch to natural laundry soap you ask? Conventional laundry detergent is loaded with chemicals like sulfates, fragrances, phenols and more. Many brands contain things like petroleum distillates, which are linked to cancer and lung disease. Fragrances in these detergents are made of a mix of harmful chemicals.

Luckily, making your own laundry soap is an easy and fast process! You only need three basic ingredients:

• Washing Soda (Arm and Hammer Brand available at most stores)
• Borax (20 Mule Team Borax available at most grocery stores)
• Bar Soap (Dr. Bronner’s, Fels-Naptha, Ivory, or other natural, unscented bar soap)

All of these things should be available at your local grocery store on the laundry aisle. You can also add a couple tablespoons of baking soda to help freshen clothes.

Wonder what’s in these ingredients? Borax is a naturally occurring mineral made up of sodium, boron, oxygen, and water. It is an ingredient in most of the natural soaps available now (Seventh Generation, etc) but it is much more inexpensive to make yourself.

Washing Soda, sometimes called sodium carbonate or soda ash, is made from common salt and limestone or found as natural deposits.

Dr. Bronner’s soaps are free trade and made with vegetable castille soap and pure organic oils.

To Make the laundry detergent:

1. Grate the bar soap or mix in food processor until finely ground. Use the soap of your choice. I personally use Dr. Bronner’s Pure Castille Bar Soap because of its exceptional quality, and because it is available in several different natural scents like lavender, tea tree, peppermint, almond and others.
2. In a large bowl, mix 2 parts washing soda, 2 parts Borax and 1 part grated soap. (Add a few teaspoons of baking soda if desired).
3. Store in closed container. I keep mine in quart or half gallon mason jars. If you are using a big enough container, you can skip step 2 and just put all ingredients in storage container or jar and shake.
4. Use 1/8 to 1/4 cup per load of laundry.

This recipe is also a great way to save money on laundry. By my calculations, I am saving over half on my laundry bill by switching:

On this recipe, I spent:

• One 55 ounce box Washing Soda- $3.49
• One 76 ounce box of Borax – $4.99
• One Bar Dr. Bronner’s Pure Castille Bar Soap- $2.99

With the amount this mixture I use (1/4 cup) per load of laundry, this recipe works out to $0.09 cents per load of laundry. This saves me almost $0.15 per load over using Arm and Hammer or Tide.

Happy Washing and have a healthy week!!

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A few quick beauty tips and recipes for the week:

• For a quick and natural facial, give yourself a honey mask. Take a warm shower, or hold your face over a bowl of steaming water to open pores. Rub warm honey on face and sit for 20-30 minutes, Rinse with warm water and splash with cool water to close pores.
• Instantly clarify and remove oils from your hair by mixing 1 part white vinegar with 5 parts distilled water and pouring over hair after conditioning. Add 5-10 drops of favorite essential oil to make a fresh smell. I recommend lavender, lemon, orange, or peppermint.
• For an intensive hair conditioner, blend avocado and coconut milk or cream in a blender and apply to dry hair. Leave on up to 30 minutes and rinse.
• For oily hair, massage baking soda into hair, shampoo as normal and rinse.

Have a healthy week!

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Ten Reasons to Avoid Soft Drink Consumption:

1. A single can of soda contains the equivalent of 10 teaspoons of sugar. This amount of sugar, especially in liquid form, skyrockets the blood sugar and causes an insulin reaction in the body. Over time, this can lead to diabetes or insulin resistance, not to mention weight gain and other health problems. Soft drink companies are the largest user of sugar in the country.
2. Soda contains phosphoric acid, which interferes with the body’s ability to absorb calcium and can lead to osteoporosis, cavities and bone softening. Phosphoric Acid also interacts with stomach acid, slowing digestion and blocking nutrient absorption.
3. In diet sodas, aspartame is used as a substitute for sugar, and can actually be more harmful. It has been linked to almost a hundred different health problems including seizures, multiple sclerosis, brain tumors, diabetes, and emotional disorders. It converts to methanol at warm temperatures and methanol breaks down to formaldehyde and formic acid. Diet sodas also increase the risk of metabolic syndrome, which causes belly fat, high blood sugar and raised cholesterol.
4. Most sodas contain caffeine, which has been linked to certain cancers, breast lumps, irregular heart beat, high blood pressure, and other problems.
5. The water used in soda is just simple tap water and can contain chemicals like chlorine, fluoride and traces of heavy metals.
6. Harvard researchers have recently positively linked soft drinks to obesity. The study found that 12 year olds who drank soda were more likely to be obese than those who didn’t, and for each serving of soda consumed daily, the risk of obesity increased 1.6 times.
7. Sodas contain High Fructose Corn Syrup, which obviously comes from corn. Most of this corn has been genetically modified, and there are no long term studies showing the safety of genetically modified crops, as genetic modification of crops has only been around since the 1990s. Also, the process of making High Fructose Corn Syrup involves traces of mercury, which causes a variety of long term health problems.
8. There is absolutely no nutritional value in soda whatsoever. Not only are there many harmful effects of soda, but there are not even any positive benefits to outweigh them.  Soda is an unnatural substance that harms the body.
9. Because of the high sugar, sodium and caffeine content in soda, it dehydrates the body and over a long period of time can cause chronic dehydration.
10. Drinking soda regularly causes plaque to build up on the teeth and can lead to cavities and gum disease.

Have a healthy week!

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